I Remember...

Oct 2-19

I remember the smell of the stinky bugs that infested the house, and sleeping in the bed with them.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night starving because she hadn't fed us for a day or two, and sneaking into the kitchen as quietly as I could to steal bread because it was the only thing I could find that I could eat, and getting caught anyways.
I remember the cat of nine tails she used on us whenever she felt like it. We called her Granny, but she was no relation to us. She was a friend of my mothers who babysat us whenever mom was on a bender and needed a place to ditch us for a few days or a week.
I remember the layout of the house. I still know exactly where the front door lead to the living room and the kitchen and the back door and the bedrooms and the entrance to the basement.
I remember a little boy and girl hiding behind the couch playing makeout games; I often wonder what happened to them and where they ended up, if they were better or worse off than I was, and I remember the basement, where HE lived. Where things happened even worse than the cat of nine tails.  Things I mostly don't remember or that I won't retell of here. Things a child should never experience.

Today as I was cooking some toast to go with my supper, I opened the loaf of bread and caught a whiff that sent me straight back to that kitchen in the middle of the night.
It's strange the things that you remember, when tragedies and trauma blocks out the important details, and leaves you with bad smells, and house floor plans. 

Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas

Dec 3-18
Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas

Here's a thought about the Happy Holidays offense. Recently I heard an ad on the radio saying we will never say happy holidays, it's basically Merry Christmas or nothing. A year ago I would have been 200% in agreement. Now, I don't really care. See, if the season really is about happiness and joy, then what does it matter how it is said? Christmas is nothing but a commercial ad selling useless stuff that will all eventually fade away anyways. Yeah, yeah, I know, "Jesus is the reason for the season", and all that jazz, but is he really? Or is that just an excuse we use to go crazy shopping and planning and doing basically the same as the rest of the world anyways but only better because we have it more right than them? Is it really about Jesus? Or are you just saying that to appear more religious and righteous? Is it a good way to justify ourselves over others and to hang decorations because our santas sit better next to a nativity scene? Think about it. Why so offended at Happy Holidays? If it makes someone happy, and respects their difference of belief or way of life, is it really that bad to just say that instead of Merry Christmas? Does the season change by what you say? NO! If you really wanted them to have a "merry Christmas", would you not also want them to have a "happy Holidays"? Noone is taking away your right to say what you want to say, or to believe what you want to believe, or to celebrate how you want to celebrate. But it shows respect to not bulldoze your way through this time of year by insisting that everyone agree to your way of thinking, because let's face it, that's just not going to happen. A friend recently posted a quote that talks about the fact that no-one changes due to outside pressures, whether it be begging, shaming, reasoning, emotion, tough love, etc. The only thing that allows people to change is their CHOICE to change. They need to recognize their need for change and they need to decide for themselves to change, it cannot be forced. Why do we think this is any different? In the grand scheme of things, who has ever been convinced of the gospel of Jesus by whether someone says "Merry Christmas" over Happy Holidays? Really? THIS pettiness is why Christians have a bad reputation for being so hypocritical. No wonder no-one takes us seriously, even I as a christian don't take it seriously. We are called to reflect Jesus, to preach His good news. Nowhere do I see it appointed to us to be throwing stones. Is a tree or a cross displayed going to change that, really? Is a phrase or a day off going to change it? Or having christmas music blaring in the mall or even a church service? It is God that draws people to Himself by His Spirit, not us dragging people by our words and symbols and egos. I have many non christian friends and family. I've yet to hear anyone complain that Merry Christmas actually offends them, to be honest. I think it's all been blown way out of proportion actually. But if any one of them were to come to me and say it made them uncomfortable, I would respect that, and consider it an opening for discussion and an opportunity to learn and share rather than to point fingers and judge. I will gladly say Happy Holidays because If Jesus can make a Christmas Merry, He can sure make a holiday Happy. The point is, Jesus. And That is my rant for the week lol.

Baptism for Salvation

May 28-2018
       If baptism is a requirement for salvation it undermines the entire life and death of Jesus and denies the whole of God's sovereignty. Did Jesus die and raise from death so that we could be saved and forgiven of our sins, or did He die so that we could secure our own salvation by the fleshly act of jumping into a bucket of water to save our souls? Is Christ alone enough? Or is God a liar and his love and salvation is conditional with hidden innuendos that he doesn't mention in scripture? Does He not make His word easy enough to comprehend? I mean, A CHILD can understand it, why can't man stop making it so complicated and just accept His truth for what it is?

       The scriptures that say just believe, are they wrong too then? Did God LIE in His Holy Word? Are all the souls that believed and died before being baptised go straight to hell? Or is God holding to a double standard and changing the rules for some and not for others?
Jesus was baptised BEFORE he died. As a show of faith as an example. Was he needing to do that before he died then because his death and resurrection wouldn't be enough? Careful here, your bordering on heresy. 
       There is no in-between. There is no grey area. it's a simple yes or no. 
       Either Jesus saves, or Jesus was not enough because we need baptism to save us. NO In Between.
 
BOOM I just broke it down for you. Mic Drop. I'm out.

Let's Talk Depression Pt 1

Let's talk depression.
Feb 22-2018

This might sound extremely choppy and there might be a lot of rabbit trails that I go down, but it makes sense in my head as I type it lol.
   Just going to touch on one small effect of this depression for today because it's been on my mind. I saw an article tonight that talked about a lady who had been sick and she mentioned she hadn't showered for nearly a week. The comments on the thread following were well, as usual, less than considerate or understanding. Some say they shower 1 to 2 times a day, others say how disgusting that is.
A week can be nothing to go without a shower or bath when in the middle of a depressive episode. When you are busy hating yourself, self care is the last thing on your list of to-do's, if you even have a list to begin with.  If you're dealing with this long term, you learn ways to work around it.  Some people are very good at covering it up. Not showering is just one small side effect of depression. I'm sure you've all read the articles posted, all the "Twelve ways Depression affects daily life" and such. Most people who read them are ones suffering already that can identify with most or all of the items and give a big YES to it. Let's make it personal, and I will be honest and go slightly deeper. It's not just not having a shower for a few days. It's being paralyzed, immobile. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days or weeks. In my experience, I can find myself, and I've been more aware of it lately, getting lost for long lengths of time, Literally frozen and unable to move. My  mind just blanks out and my body shuts down and just won't let me. I'll lay in my bed thinking "it's 7:30 am, why am I up so early?", then I will pick up my cell phone, open face-book and I blink and it's 10 am. Then I will tell myself "I have 2 hours to have a shower and get ready before I have to leave the house.". Next thing you know it's 11:55 and I have 5 minutes to get dressed and out the door. So much for a shower. Do I do anything in all that time? Not really. I can stare at my phone or at a tv and anything I see or hear goes in one thing and out the other, I'm not really there at all. I just can't bring myself to get off my ass and do what I KNOW needs done. Some would just scoff and say that I'm just being lazy. But if you've been there you know what I mean. You make a list of  20 things that need done during the week (laundry, shopping, paying bills, cleaning house, fixing the door handle on the car, etc) and you are lucky if even one gets done. If you manage to get enough energy to do 2 or three things in one day, it's a miracle. Everything just seems like it takes sooooooo much effort and energy that you don't have. I lose track of time very easily. I make lists lately over and over and over again that just don't get done. I could have a task that needs done and three days can go by and I will forget all about it until it's something I need and I'm wondering why on earth I don't have it and I tell myself "oh right, I was supposed to do that like last week".
If you're still with me and following me say amen lol.
What I do now instead of beat myself up over it, is I learn to celebrate small accomplishments. I don't need a big party but if I can do a couple things on my list of 50 I won't feel bad. I can't, because the second I do my mind wanders and I'm lost again. I get overwhelmed easily with things not done, things I'm missing, everything negative, and I start to shut down again. And that's just a vicious cycle. Some days I have energy to do more and on those days I do my best to get as much done as possible, knowing that the next day could be a nothing day with no energy or motivation. It's literally having to take one day at a time, or one hour at a time. Schedules are important, structure is important. But with an illness, learning to be flexible can mean the world when it comes to coping daily.
Don't give up. All I know is that tomorrow might be a better (more productive) day.
Michelle

This is a pretty accurate depiction of my thought process LOL

   





         The reason I write here more than other places, like facebook,  or at least USED to, is because hey my personal face-book is mine right? I can say what I want when I want? Yet, when I do vent or say something, I'm told I'm just too negative, or I lose friends because no-one wants to read what I write, and I get treated like either a leper or people talk behind my back and throw hate around because they can't tell me to my face how they feel yet somehow everything is my fault. Our facebooks don't belong to us, don't try to kid yourself. They belong to Zuckerberg and to the people on your friends list and the people and companies that pay for advertising.
        I liked the days of Yahoo 360. I miss the community. I wrote a lot back then, and it was fun. It was kind of like face-book but without the competition and most of the drama. It was more personal too. Not like now being hounded thousands of times a day by random companies pushing product or pretend friends that add you just to peddle their makeup or healthy whatever line or their latest get rich quick scheme or cleaning products. It's like having the  vacuum salesperson AND the JWs at your door 24/7.  Facebook was supposed to have been meant for people to be able to connect that otherwise might not be able to, like friends and family that live long distances apart or people that just can't get out often to meet up with other people. Now it's nothing but advertisements and anything that can waste time. I mean really, who gets up in the morning and says to themselves "Today I am going to watch exactly 248 cat videos and laugh at 163 memes and hit like 427 times for things that mean absolutely nothing to me in my personal life, then I'm going to post at least half a dozen selfies so at least one of them gets likes and makes me feel good about myself today"? Next thing you know 3 hours is gone and your butt is asleep from sitting too long in one spot when all you intended was to log into your messages to ask one person about something. But I got kinda off topic lol. I'm talking about me writing blogs as opposed to face-book. Social media is not social at all. It's all about getting attention, or so it is starting to seem to me. And let's not even start on the so called "debates" or "discussions", that's another whole ball game. No-one in those groups actually wants to learn. No-one ever actually gets anywhere except angry and more confused than when they started. Those that ask questions, don't really want answers. They just want you to agree with them and confirm what they think as though the more people that agree the more right or true it is. 
         I keep telling myself when I get my head just a little bit clearer I will be able able to get my thoughts together enough to write again. But it never seems to happen. Just when I think I have a clear thought, my mind clouds over and I can't think straight. It's actually really annoying and frustrating. And it just makes me feel worse. If I had an actual topic to focus on this would be easier. But I can barely think of any words never mind stay focused on a specific topic. Right now I am trying to type this and I keep going slydexic and mixing all the letters up (and no that wasn't a typo, that is how I personalize my saying of dyslexic lol). 
       Sometimes I will post that I am depressed, or have a rant on my status, or post pictures or articles or whatever about how I feel. No, I'm not looking for attention. No I'm not looking for pity. The last thing I find useful is for someone to feel sorry for me. A rant is just that. A rant. Venting a few thoughts because holding it in is sometimes just too much to bear. And I say honestly how I feel and what I am going through. I learned a long time ago not to give too much weight into how others take what I say personally. For one, 99.9% of people won't bother to tell me how they feel if they are upset or offended or worried or anything. They just assume that I am psychic and read minds and just know through touching the computer screen and I'm expected to cater to that. When I don't they get angry. They either lash out at me or they lash out behind my back to other people, spreading rumours and gossip. Then it falls on me to take fault and be responsible for whatever happens. I'm tired of it.
Hey, if you have something to say to me, and you can't be bothered to tell me to my face, then it's officially not my concern.

Here's some reasons why I write.

1- Because it is easier for me to express how I feel and what I think. When I did you-tube videos, some of my videos were scripted beforehand, and I just read them and added in as I went. I got a lot of hate for this too, but I didn't care. I said what I wanted to say however I could. I used to write poems and songs but not for a long time. Before I stopped writing I was actually pretty good at explaining things and articulating how I felt.

2- Because no-one can interrupt me.
Seriously it is an issue. Most times I am convinced I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "abuse me".
Everything I try to say gets either ignored or I get talked over or yelled at. It seems to be a growing trend that to make yourself heard and to prove you are right you have to be pushy and overbearing and just plain louder than everyone else. No-one can stop me writing what I want lol. That means sometimes I can actually look forward to being able to complete a tought or sentence without being interrupted and told that I'm wrong or that I should shut up or that I'm stupid or any number of things I am usually told or made to feel.

3- Because once I am able to write down one thought, i can just turn my brain off and keep going and can say much more than if I was actually talking. It's like I go on auto pilot and don't stop til I'm done, then I actually go back and read it and I'm like "wow, where did that come from" lol
In this reason it is also a source of relief. Because my brain feels so messed up most of the time and I can't think straight and I spend sooooo much energy trying to get one thought straight and I get frustrated and angry and even more confused, writing allows me to just have a break from the constant gear grinding that goes on, if that makes any sense. This is actually one of my favorite reasons to write or do any number of the things I do (or have done).

Sometimes I don't mind rambling. I tell myself there are way worse things I could be doing with my time and that even if no-one understands a word I say it's not about them or for them really anyways. It's for me, it's my own form of therapy. So as mixed up as my rants and ramblings might seem to you, trust me, what's going on inside of my head that DOESN'T get put out there, is a heck of a lot worse and messy, believe me.
Sometimes I think "Hey, I've had a TON of stuff go on in my life, I should write a book" lol. But reality says who would care. Usually, just when i think maybe I have something useful to offer, life slaps me in the face and says uhhhhhNOPE.
       So believe it or not, I actually DID have a reason for writing about writing tonight and I lost my train of thought and forgot it. So now I wrote a whole bunch of nothing with no rhyme or reason, welcome to my life.
So, anyways, I guess I'mma just end it there for now.