Let's Talk Depression Pt 1

Let's talk depression.
Feb 22-2018

This might sound extremely choppy and there might be a lot of rabbit trails that I go down, but it makes sense in my head as I type it lol.
   Just going to touch on one small effect of this depression for today because it's been on my mind. I saw an article tonight that talked about a lady who had been sick and she mentioned she hadn't showered for nearly a week. The comments on the thread following were well, as usual, less than considerate or understanding. Some say they shower 1 to 2 times a day, others say how disgusting that is.
A week can be nothing to go without a shower or bath when in the middle of a depressive episode. When you are busy hating yourself, self care is the last thing on your list of to-do's, if you even have a list to begin with.  If you're dealing with this long term, you learn ways to work around it.  Some people are very good at covering it up. Not showering is just one small side effect of depression. I'm sure you've all read the articles posted, all the "Twelve ways Depression affects daily life" and such. Most people who read them are ones suffering already that can identify with most or all of the items and give a big YES to it. Let's make it personal, and I will be honest and go slightly deeper. It's not just not having a shower for a few days. It's being paralyzed, immobile. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days or weeks. In my experience, I can find myself, and I've been more aware of it lately, getting lost for long lengths of time, Literally frozen and unable to move. My  mind just blanks out and my body shuts down and just won't let me. I'll lay in my bed thinking "it's 7:30 am, why am I up so early?", then I will pick up my cell phone, open face-book and I blink and it's 10 am. Then I will tell myself "I have 2 hours to have a shower and get ready before I have to leave the house.". Next thing you know it's 11:55 and I have 5 minutes to get dressed and out the door. So much for a shower. Do I do anything in all that time? Not really. I can stare at my phone or at a tv and anything I see or hear goes in one thing and out the other, I'm not really there at all. I just can't bring myself to get off my ass and do what I KNOW needs done. Some would just scoff and say that I'm just being lazy. But if you've been there you know what I mean. You make a list of  20 things that need done during the week (laundry, shopping, paying bills, cleaning house, fixing the door handle on the car, etc) and you are lucky if even one gets done. If you manage to get enough energy to do 2 or three things in one day, it's a miracle. Everything just seems like it takes sooooooo much effort and energy that you don't have. I lose track of time very easily. I make lists lately over and over and over again that just don't get done. I could have a task that needs done and three days can go by and I will forget all about it until it's something I need and I'm wondering why on earth I don't have it and I tell myself "oh right, I was supposed to do that like last week".
If you're still with me and following me say amen lol.
What I do now instead of beat myself up over it, is I learn to celebrate small accomplishments. I don't need a big party but if I can do a couple things on my list of 50 I won't feel bad. I can't, because the second I do my mind wanders and I'm lost again. I get overwhelmed easily with things not done, things I'm missing, everything negative, and I start to shut down again. And that's just a vicious cycle. Some days I have energy to do more and on those days I do my best to get as much done as possible, knowing that the next day could be a nothing day with no energy or motivation. It's literally having to take one day at a time, or one hour at a time. Schedules are important, structure is important. But with an illness, learning to be flexible can mean the world when it comes to coping daily.
Don't give up. All I know is that tomorrow might be a better (more productive) day.
Michelle