Some days...

Nov 23-2012-1pm
Some days I imagine the doorbell will ring, and there he will be. At my door, come to see me. Because he wants to.
I wish he would just show up, although I know he probably never will.

Still, a girl can dream....

Life moves on

Life doesn't stop when people go away, or when relationships die. People move on, things change. But for me, I thought my world ended. I made him my world, my life, and when he went away, a huge part of my life ended. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it's true.
I forgot who I was, what I wanted. For a time, everything was about him, wanting to make him happy, wanting to make him proud, wanting to be there for him. But I don't think he ever really wanted me. It was more the idea of having me, the fantasy, you know? I wasn't an individual, I was just a property. It could have been me, it could be anyone in the future. But the idea is still the same.
It broke my heart, loving him so much and making him my world, that when it all came crashing down, I had to face that I just wasn't a part of his world like he was mine. Its a hard thing to face and accept, reality, and rejection.
I see the world moving on, I see him moving on, and although I should be happy for him and I should be moving on as well,it seems like I am just stuck, in slow motion, watching life pass me by. He says I didn't want him to succeed. He will never know that the truth is I wanted nothing less than complete success and happiness for him, I just wanted to be a part of it, to be by his side through it. But he wouldn't allow me. He wouldn't let me in, he shut me out, and no matter how hard I bang on the door it won't open because he locked me out and threw away the key so to speak.
I still wait for him to text, to email, to call, to say something, anything. For some sign of life between us, that meant so much to me but didn't seem to matter to him. I think about him all the time. Ok, well, not so much ALL the time, lately I have had periods where I have completely forgotten. But then a sound, a certain sight, a song, and the memories come flooding back and its unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should move away from here, go far away, try to run from the memories that haunt me. But I can never escape myself, the way I feel. I have lived life being rejected by so many. I have been abandoned and outcast by family, friends, past loves, those who claim to want the best for me and to care only to end up despised when their selfish motives become clear and the truth that they cannot achieve their goals of using me to further their own agendas. And every time I have proven them wrong, I have moved on, gotten stronger, been happy, learned, grown. Now it just seems like a heavy sadness hanging over my head that I can't escape. Something is missing.
Was I born with a stamp on my forehead that says walk on me, use me? When does it end?
I'm a simple person, I don't ask for much really. Nothing I would consider extraordinary or excessive. Honesty, integrity, respect. To be wanted and needed, to matter. Is that really too much?
I could go on forever I'm sure, about how he hurt me, about the pain I live with, feeling sorry for myself yet angry at myself at the same time for not being able to just let it go and move forward. Its a never ending circle. Its Friday night, and I wonder what he is doing, who he is with, if he is thinking about me like I think about him. If he remembers or if he is trying still to forget.

In the meantime, Cream Soda goes really well with Southern Comfort....

Slander

"Slander this bitch", he tells me, then proceeds to slander me online, on his twitter, which had originally 4 whole followers, and on his facebook, to his 35 friends family and current flirts that he's trying to bed from behind a machine. He tells me I deserve it, that I am asking for it. Yes, because all women just love for an abusive sob to slander them and threaten them and publicly degrade and humiliate them, anything in order to avoid facing their own misconduct and deflect it onto them.
Women love being told they're crazy too, and sent links from online pages that "prove" it, as if pulling random links online automatically qualifies you as "Dr or MD", and permits you to psychoanalyze others to make them suffer for your inability to deal with your own inadequacies.
After sending me multiple texts threatening to call mental health services, social services, etc etc. And have my child taken away from me. I had to call his work and ask his boss to tell him to stop texting me while at work and threatening me. Of course, this means I am vindictive and trying to hurt him, because I dared call his work, and this means I am trying to threaten HIM, and cause trouble for him, make him lose his job.
Just as it was my fault that he cheated on me, and it was my fault that he was angry enough to smash his hand on the table nearly breaking it, and it was my fault that he took a large chain and threw it on the table in front of me and my daughter saying he was going to hang himself but the chain wouldn't hold. Just like the multiple times he said things like his blood was on my hands, and that he was going to smash my face or any number of other threats of his.
Yet, he calls ME the insane one.
Its what abusive people do, deflect to the point that he has his friends and family convinced of my supposed mental instability because they will believe anything he says as gospel.
I wonder, what they would really think of him were they to know the truth? About the public slanders he has thrown at me? About the hate campaign that has obsessed his time and energy? About the pathological lies, he'd lie about the color of the sky if you'd let him just get the words out. Sad fact is, he almost believes his own lies.
I wonder, what people would think if they knew the truth about the things he has done and said, the threats, the anger, the violence, the lies, the cheating, the him that noone saw, behind closed doors, the him that we saw. He can make anyone believe anything. But not me. I know better. I lived with him, I KNEW him.
So he writes this huge blog and twitters and statuses and whatever he can online for the world to see and think I am some sort of evil monster, while he remains the victim and martyr, who is concerned for MY well being. Desperate to hurt me, enough that he is willing to use my own family against me, my friends, my child, and no line is too low, from telling me that I never should have been born to I should kill myself to, I am insane and need help, to trying to take my only good thing in my life, my child and my faith, he is on a mission to utterly destroy me. Why? All this to cover up himself?
Yet, once something is online, it never goes away. The words, the lies, will be out there forever for me to defend if even possible.
Not that it should bother me so much, as it IS nothing but lies afterall, but we all know, that rumours spread and grow. And that sometimes, not even the truth can stop pure hatred, and that is what this is, obviously.

Help Me Please

For those reading this and have your own blog. Please help, I can't figure out what I am doing lol.
All my posts seem to have lost their photos. And the albums that held the photos was Picasa, it doesn't seem to want to keep my photos anymore, and they won't post on my blog.
When posting from my android, the same thing.
What am I missing?
I don't want to lose all the work ive done with this blog so far.
And I need to be able to post photos, yes, I NEED to.

False Advertising

Leave it to a celebrity to look like THIS and promote a makeup line claiming it to be the most "natural". Really? That's natural? She looks nothing like herself lol. Take a look for yourself and see....