May 28-2018
If baptism is a requirement for salvation it undermines the entire life and death of Jesus and denies the whole of God's sovereignty. Did Jesus die and raise from death so that we could be saved and forgiven of our sins, or did He die so that we could secure our own salvation by the fleshly act of jumping into a bucket of water to save our souls? Is Christ alone enough? Or is God a liar and his love and salvation is conditional with hidden innuendos that he doesn't mention in scripture? Does He not make His word easy enough to comprehend? I mean, A CHILD can understand it, why can't man stop making it so complicated and just accept His truth for what it is?
The scriptures that say just believe, are they wrong too then? Did God LIE in His Holy Word? Are all the souls that believed and died before being baptised go straight to hell? Or is God holding to a double standard and changing the rules for some and not for others?
Jesus was baptised BEFORE he died. As a show of faith as an example. Was he needing to do that before he died then because his death and resurrection wouldn't be enough? Careful here, your bordering on heresy.
There is no in-between. There is no grey area. it's a simple yes or no.
Either Jesus saves, or Jesus was not enough because we need baptism to save us. NO In Between.
BOOM I just broke it down for you. Mic Drop. I'm out.
5.28.2018
2.22.2018
Let's Talk Depression Pt 1
Let's talk depression.
Feb 22-2018
This might sound extremely choppy and there might be a lot of rabbit trails that I go down, but it makes sense in my head as I type it lol.
Just going to touch on one small effect of this depression for today because it's been on my mind. I saw an article tonight that talked about a lady who had been sick and she mentioned she hadn't showered for nearly a week. The comments on the thread following were well, as usual, less than considerate or understanding. Some say they shower 1 to 2 times a day, others say how disgusting that is.
A week can be nothing to go without a shower or bath when in the middle of a depressive episode. When you are busy hating yourself, self care is the last thing on your list of to-do's, if you even have a list to begin with. If you're dealing with this long term, you learn ways to work around it. Some people are very good at covering it up. Not showering is just one small side effect of depression. I'm sure you've all read the articles posted, all the "Twelve ways Depression affects daily life" and such. Most people who read them are ones suffering already that can identify with most or all of the items and give a big YES to it. Let's make it personal, and I will be honest and go slightly deeper. It's not just not having a shower for a few days. It's being paralyzed, immobile. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days or weeks. In my experience, I can find myself, and I've been more aware of it lately, getting lost for long lengths of time, Literally frozen and unable to move. My mind just blanks out and my body shuts down and just won't let me. I'll lay in my bed thinking "it's 7:30 am, why am I up so early?", then I will pick up my cell phone, open face-book and I blink and it's 10 am. Then I will tell myself "I have 2 hours to have a shower and get ready before I have to leave the house.". Next thing you know it's 11:55 and I have 5 minutes to get dressed and out the door. So much for a shower. Do I do anything in all that time? Not really. I can stare at my phone or at a tv and anything I see or hear goes in one thing and out the other, I'm not really there at all. I just can't bring myself to get off my ass and do what I KNOW needs done. Some would just scoff and say that I'm just being lazy. But if you've been there you know what I mean. You make a list of 20 things that need done during the week (laundry, shopping, paying bills, cleaning house, fixing the door handle on the car, etc) and you are lucky if even one gets done. If you manage to get enough energy to do 2 or three things in one day, it's a miracle. Everything just seems like it takes sooooooo much effort and energy that you don't have. I lose track of time very easily. I make lists lately over and over and over again that just don't get done. I could have a task that needs done and three days can go by and I will forget all about it until it's something I need and I'm wondering why on earth I don't have it and I tell myself "oh right, I was supposed to do that like last week".
If you're still with me and following me say amen lol.
What I do now instead of beat myself up over it, is I learn to celebrate small accomplishments. I don't need a big party but if I can do a couple things on my list of 50 I won't feel bad. I can't, because the second I do my mind wanders and I'm lost again. I get overwhelmed easily with things not done, things I'm missing, everything negative, and I start to shut down again. And that's just a vicious cycle. Some days I have energy to do more and on those days I do my best to get as much done as possible, knowing that the next day could be a nothing day with no energy or motivation. It's literally having to take one day at a time, or one hour at a time. Schedules are important, structure is important. But with an illness, learning to be flexible can mean the world when it comes to coping daily.
Don't give up. All I know is that tomorrow might be a better (more productive) day.
Michelle
Feb 22-2018
This might sound extremely choppy and there might be a lot of rabbit trails that I go down, but it makes sense in my head as I type it lol.
Just going to touch on one small effect of this depression for today because it's been on my mind. I saw an article tonight that talked about a lady who had been sick and she mentioned she hadn't showered for nearly a week. The comments on the thread following were well, as usual, less than considerate or understanding. Some say they shower 1 to 2 times a day, others say how disgusting that is.
A week can be nothing to go without a shower or bath when in the middle of a depressive episode. When you are busy hating yourself, self care is the last thing on your list of to-do's, if you even have a list to begin with. If you're dealing with this long term, you learn ways to work around it. Some people are very good at covering it up. Not showering is just one small side effect of depression. I'm sure you've all read the articles posted, all the "Twelve ways Depression affects daily life" and such. Most people who read them are ones suffering already that can identify with most or all of the items and give a big YES to it. Let's make it personal, and I will be honest and go slightly deeper. It's not just not having a shower for a few days. It's being paralyzed, immobile. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days or weeks. In my experience, I can find myself, and I've been more aware of it lately, getting lost for long lengths of time, Literally frozen and unable to move. My mind just blanks out and my body shuts down and just won't let me. I'll lay in my bed thinking "it's 7:30 am, why am I up so early?", then I will pick up my cell phone, open face-book and I blink and it's 10 am. Then I will tell myself "I have 2 hours to have a shower and get ready before I have to leave the house.". Next thing you know it's 11:55 and I have 5 minutes to get dressed and out the door. So much for a shower. Do I do anything in all that time? Not really. I can stare at my phone or at a tv and anything I see or hear goes in one thing and out the other, I'm not really there at all. I just can't bring myself to get off my ass and do what I KNOW needs done. Some would just scoff and say that I'm just being lazy. But if you've been there you know what I mean. You make a list of 20 things that need done during the week (laundry, shopping, paying bills, cleaning house, fixing the door handle on the car, etc) and you are lucky if even one gets done. If you manage to get enough energy to do 2 or three things in one day, it's a miracle. Everything just seems like it takes sooooooo much effort and energy that you don't have. I lose track of time very easily. I make lists lately over and over and over again that just don't get done. I could have a task that needs done and three days can go by and I will forget all about it until it's something I need and I'm wondering why on earth I don't have it and I tell myself "oh right, I was supposed to do that like last week".
If you're still with me and following me say amen lol.
What I do now instead of beat myself up over it, is I learn to celebrate small accomplishments. I don't need a big party but if I can do a couple things on my list of 50 I won't feel bad. I can't, because the second I do my mind wanders and I'm lost again. I get overwhelmed easily with things not done, things I'm missing, everything negative, and I start to shut down again. And that's just a vicious cycle. Some days I have energy to do more and on those days I do my best to get as much done as possible, knowing that the next day could be a nothing day with no energy or motivation. It's literally having to take one day at a time, or one hour at a time. Schedules are important, structure is important. But with an illness, learning to be flexible can mean the world when it comes to coping daily.
Don't give up. All I know is that tomorrow might be a better (more productive) day.
Michelle
8.16.2017
 |
| This is a pretty accurate depiction of my thought process LOL |
The reason I write here more than other places, like facebook, or at least USED to, is because hey my personal face-book is mine right? I can say what I want when I want? Yet, when I do vent or say something, I'm told I'm just too negative, or I lose friends because no-one wants to read what I write, and I get treated like either a leper or people talk behind my back and throw hate around because they can't tell me to my face how they feel yet somehow everything is my fault. Our facebooks don't belong to us, don't try to kid yourself. They belong to Zuckerberg and to the people on your friends list and the people and companies that pay for advertising.
I liked the days of Yahoo 360. I miss the community. I wrote a lot back then, and it was fun. It was kind of like face-book but without the competition and most of the drama. It was more personal too. Not like now being hounded thousands of times a day by random companies pushing product or pretend friends that add you just to peddle their makeup or healthy whatever line or their latest get rich quick scheme or cleaning products. It's like having the vacuum salesperson AND the JWs at your door 24/7. Facebook was supposed to have been meant for people to be able to connect that otherwise might not be able to, like friends and family that live long distances apart or people that just can't get out often to meet up with other people. Now it's nothing but advertisements and anything that can waste time. I mean really, who gets up in the morning and says to themselves "Today I am going to watch exactly 248 cat videos and laugh at 163 memes and hit like 427 times for things that mean absolutely nothing to me in my personal life, then I'm going to post at least half a dozen selfies so at least one of them gets likes and makes me feel good about myself today"? Next thing you know 3 hours is gone and your butt is asleep from sitting too long in one spot when all you intended was to log into your messages to ask one person about something. But I got kinda off topic lol. I'm talking about me writing blogs as opposed to face-book. Social media is not social at all. It's all about getting attention, or so it is starting to seem to me. And let's not even start on the so called "debates" or "discussions", that's another whole ball game. No-one in those groups actually wants to learn. No-one ever actually gets anywhere except angry and more confused than when they started. Those that ask questions, don't really want answers. They just want you to agree with them and confirm what they think as though the more people that agree the more right or true it is.
I keep telling myself when I get my head just a little bit clearer I will be able able to get my thoughts together enough to write again. But it never seems to happen. Just when I think I have a clear thought, my mind clouds over and I can't think straight. It's actually really annoying and frustrating. And it just makes me feel worse. If I had an actual topic to focus on this would be easier. But I can barely think of any words never mind stay focused on a specific topic. Right now I am trying to type this and I keep going slydexic and mixing all the letters up (and no that wasn't a typo, that is how I personalize my saying of dyslexic lol).
Sometimes I will post that I am depressed, or have a rant on my status, or post pictures or articles or whatever about how I feel. No, I'm not looking for attention. No I'm not looking for pity. The last thing I find useful is for someone to feel sorry for me. A rant is just that. A rant. Venting a few thoughts because holding it in is sometimes just too much to bear. And I say honestly how I feel and what I am going through. I learned a long time ago not to give too much weight into how others take what I say personally. For one, 99.9% of people won't bother to tell me how they feel if they are upset or offended or worried or anything. They just assume that I am psychic and read minds and just know through touching the computer screen and I'm expected to cater to that. When I don't they get angry. They either lash out at me or they lash out behind my back to other people, spreading rumours and gossip. Then it falls on me to take fault and be responsible for whatever happens. I'm tired of it.
Hey, if you have something to say to me, and you can't be bothered to tell me to my face, then it's officially not my concern.
Here's some reasons why I write.
1- Because it is easier for me to express how I feel and what I think. When I did you-tube videos, some of my videos were scripted beforehand, and I just read them and added in as I went. I got a lot of hate for this too, but I didn't care. I said what I wanted to say however I could. I used to write poems and songs but not for a long time. Before I stopped writing I was actually pretty good at explaining things and articulating how I felt.
2- Because no-one can interrupt me.
Seriously it is an issue. Most times I am convinced I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "abuse me".
Everything I try to say gets either ignored or I get talked over or yelled at. It seems to be a growing trend that to make yourself heard and to prove you are right you have to be pushy and overbearing and just plain louder than everyone else. No-one can stop me writing what I want lol. That means sometimes I can actually look forward to being able to complete a tought or sentence without being interrupted and told that I'm wrong or that I should shut up or that I'm stupid or any number of things I am usually told or made to feel.
3- Because once I am able to write down one thought, i can just turn my brain off and keep going and can say much more than if I was actually talking. It's like I go on auto pilot and don't stop til I'm done, then I actually go back and read it and I'm like "wow, where did that come from" lol
In this reason it is also a source of relief. Because my brain feels so messed up most of the time and I can't think straight and I spend sooooo much energy trying to get one thought straight and I get frustrated and angry and even more confused, writing allows me to just have a break from the constant gear grinding that goes on, if that makes any sense. This is actually one of my favorite reasons to write or do any number of the things I do (or have done).
Sometimes I don't mind rambling. I tell myself there are way worse things I could be doing with my time and that even if no-one understands a word I say it's not about them or for them really anyways. It's for me, it's my own form of therapy. So as mixed up as my rants and ramblings might seem to you, trust me, what's going on inside of my head that DOESN'T get put out there, is a heck of a lot worse and messy, believe me.
Sometimes I think "Hey, I've had a TON of stuff go on in my life, I should write a book" lol. But reality says who would care. Usually, just when i think maybe I have something useful to offer, life slaps me in the face and says uhhhhhNOPE.
So believe it or not, I actually DID have a reason for writing about writing tonight and I lost my train of thought and forgot it. So now I wrote a whole bunch of nothing with no rhyme or reason, welcome to my life.
So, anyways, I guess I'mma just end it there for now.
6.19.2017
Father's Day Frustrations
Just a few random thoughts about Father's day weekend. I admit I am bitter and resentful. I know there is probably a boatload of unresolved anger that I need to swim through and work on. But for right now I am just staying in the boat to avoid drowning.
Most holidays are always difficult for me. This one hurts double time. For my daughter, who knows her dad and whose dad has chosen to pretty much reject her, it kills me to see the pain he puts her through. And especially this year, her high school graduation being this past week, and his decision to not only just not show up, but to avoid even answering her message and her having to find out third party that he wasn't coming. He didn't even have the guts to tell her, his mother told her, her grandma. I've told her for years, nothing I or anyone else says to him will get through to him. She needs to tell him. She needs to get mad at him. But she won't. She harbors bitterness and resentment and she loves and wants her dad in her life so much that she is willing to tolerate almost anything to have the chance to have him there, and he still rejects her and it breaks my heart to see and hear. It makes e so angry and I want to just lay him out for it, but there is nothing I can do or say and that kills me.
To be brutally honest, it makes me wonder sometimes, if maybe she would have just been better off not even knowing her dad. Like me. I don't know who my father is. I probably never will at this point. It's a double edged sword, though. It hurts that I don't have him, yet its a relief knowing that if I don't I'm at least spared going through what I have watched my daughter go through with my ex.
13 years of school. From kindergarten to grade 12 grad. From sports games to spring concerts, to hospital visits, to birthdays and milestones, I have been there for almost every single one. He has not bothered to make it to even one. Not even when she lived in the same city. But me moving to Calgary with her, that was the ultimate betrayal, according to him. He would say things like "how far away do I have to move before I don't have to pay child support", and "I'll just quit my job and not work then I don't have to pay". He told her she could ask for anything in the world and he would give it to her, yet when she dared ONE time to ask for a small donation to help her add to her fund to get her to her youth group missions trip, she was told "I don't give to charity cases", and that I as her mother would probably just take it and spend it on myself anyways. Who DOES these things? Who does these things to a child, much less their own? And that's just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more I could describe. But you get the picture. Yet he thinks he is still the father of the year, and his family applauds and supports him. He rejected his own daughter for a girlfriend and her 2 kids, someone who used to be my best friend who turned completely on me and rejected her own husband and denied him his kids so that she could get together with my girls dad. Yet somehow I am the bad one.
How do I make sense of all this mess with the fact that I am supposed to forgive him, and her, for all the pain they have and continue to cause for me and my daughter? How am I supposed to turn the other cheek? Just when I don't think I can be any more broken, it happens yet again.
The most common phrase that is heard in christian circles today that is candidly tossed at people like me is Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.". Of course, it was even in todays message at my church. Maybe its just me, but it makes me cringe. It just seems so cliche and trite to say. I wonder if anyone who throws that out even understands the weight of what they are saying or who they are saying it to. I have tried to lean on this verse in the past. Maybe it's just the way its so lightly passed off, who knows.But it really brings me no comfort. In fact it just irritates me right now.
It's very difficult to attach this personally when to be truthful, I don't even know what a father is. Saying God is a father to the fatherless, when I consider my foster families and the foster dads I have had, makes it seem distant. Like yeah, he takes care of me, out of pity, for a temporary time, until it's too hard or until something better or more worthwhile his time comes along. Don't get me wrong, I have two foster dads who have done alot for me and I love them dearly, and they have accepted me as family and have always treated Kristen as their own. But for me, it just doesn't feel right, or real, and no, I don't know why that is, it just is.
You can say all the right things to someone and have it go in one ear and out the next. Not because they don't hear you or because they don't care. But because when you have lived your entire life being rejected by your earthly father, how much more difficult is it to trust in one you cannot see or hear? It's like imaginary, almost non existent, like my own real father. Like, I know he existed at one point because if he hadn't I wouldn't be here but there is nothing tangible to tell me that, it's hard to explain.
So that's my thoughts about fathers. Confused, angry, bitter, and struggling to accept and understand. I don't know if anyone can ever relate. or if anyone can understand, but that's ok, it's just me and I needed to vent this today of all days.
As for my daughter. I will always be there to pick up the pieces, and hold her. Because I know what its like, and I also know very few ever will understand. She might not see this right now, but maybe sometime in the future she will get it.
IN church today we also sang about God always being there for us. Never letting us go. ANd as bitter as I am, I will still fight to lean on this because even though I don't believe it sometimes, when I am honest and look back, it is true, I can say that even in my darkest times when I felt the farthest I could ever possibly feel from God, He has always been there. One song said He is in the waiting. I must look up the song because that one line really got me. I am so grateful that my God is so patient. ANd graceful. And that He never leaves me even when I feel like I've never been more alone. That is what I hold onto, with all I have. Because through all my family and friends who have left me, and when people like my girls dad just up and leaves her without so much as a word, just like all she ever wanted was to have her daddy there in her most important moment, all I want is to know that he is there for me, for us. And somehow, at some point, I might even begin to believe it, and then I will be able to rest in that, and to just breathe....
Most holidays are always difficult for me. This one hurts double time. For my daughter, who knows her dad and whose dad has chosen to pretty much reject her, it kills me to see the pain he puts her through. And especially this year, her high school graduation being this past week, and his decision to not only just not show up, but to avoid even answering her message and her having to find out third party that he wasn't coming. He didn't even have the guts to tell her, his mother told her, her grandma. I've told her for years, nothing I or anyone else says to him will get through to him. She needs to tell him. She needs to get mad at him. But she won't. She harbors bitterness and resentment and she loves and wants her dad in her life so much that she is willing to tolerate almost anything to have the chance to have him there, and he still rejects her and it breaks my heart to see and hear. It makes e so angry and I want to just lay him out for it, but there is nothing I can do or say and that kills me.
To be brutally honest, it makes me wonder sometimes, if maybe she would have just been better off not even knowing her dad. Like me. I don't know who my father is. I probably never will at this point. It's a double edged sword, though. It hurts that I don't have him, yet its a relief knowing that if I don't I'm at least spared going through what I have watched my daughter go through with my ex.
13 years of school. From kindergarten to grade 12 grad. From sports games to spring concerts, to hospital visits, to birthdays and milestones, I have been there for almost every single one. He has not bothered to make it to even one. Not even when she lived in the same city. But me moving to Calgary with her, that was the ultimate betrayal, according to him. He would say things like "how far away do I have to move before I don't have to pay child support", and "I'll just quit my job and not work then I don't have to pay". He told her she could ask for anything in the world and he would give it to her, yet when she dared ONE time to ask for a small donation to help her add to her fund to get her to her youth group missions trip, she was told "I don't give to charity cases", and that I as her mother would probably just take it and spend it on myself anyways. Who DOES these things? Who does these things to a child, much less their own? And that's just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more I could describe. But you get the picture. Yet he thinks he is still the father of the year, and his family applauds and supports him. He rejected his own daughter for a girlfriend and her 2 kids, someone who used to be my best friend who turned completely on me and rejected her own husband and denied him his kids so that she could get together with my girls dad. Yet somehow I am the bad one.
How do I make sense of all this mess with the fact that I am supposed to forgive him, and her, for all the pain they have and continue to cause for me and my daughter? How am I supposed to turn the other cheek? Just when I don't think I can be any more broken, it happens yet again.
The most common phrase that is heard in christian circles today that is candidly tossed at people like me is Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.". Of course, it was even in todays message at my church. Maybe its just me, but it makes me cringe. It just seems so cliche and trite to say. I wonder if anyone who throws that out even understands the weight of what they are saying or who they are saying it to. I have tried to lean on this verse in the past. Maybe it's just the way its so lightly passed off, who knows.But it really brings me no comfort. In fact it just irritates me right now.
It's very difficult to attach this personally when to be truthful, I don't even know what a father is. Saying God is a father to the fatherless, when I consider my foster families and the foster dads I have had, makes it seem distant. Like yeah, he takes care of me, out of pity, for a temporary time, until it's too hard or until something better or more worthwhile his time comes along. Don't get me wrong, I have two foster dads who have done alot for me and I love them dearly, and they have accepted me as family and have always treated Kristen as their own. But for me, it just doesn't feel right, or real, and no, I don't know why that is, it just is.
You can say all the right things to someone and have it go in one ear and out the next. Not because they don't hear you or because they don't care. But because when you have lived your entire life being rejected by your earthly father, how much more difficult is it to trust in one you cannot see or hear? It's like imaginary, almost non existent, like my own real father. Like, I know he existed at one point because if he hadn't I wouldn't be here but there is nothing tangible to tell me that, it's hard to explain.
So that's my thoughts about fathers. Confused, angry, bitter, and struggling to accept and understand. I don't know if anyone can ever relate. or if anyone can understand, but that's ok, it's just me and I needed to vent this today of all days.
As for my daughter. I will always be there to pick up the pieces, and hold her. Because I know what its like, and I also know very few ever will understand. She might not see this right now, but maybe sometime in the future she will get it.
IN church today we also sang about God always being there for us. Never letting us go. ANd as bitter as I am, I will still fight to lean on this because even though I don't believe it sometimes, when I am honest and look back, it is true, I can say that even in my darkest times when I felt the farthest I could ever possibly feel from God, He has always been there. One song said He is in the waiting. I must look up the song because that one line really got me. I am so grateful that my God is so patient. ANd graceful. And that He never leaves me even when I feel like I've never been more alone. That is what I hold onto, with all I have. Because through all my family and friends who have left me, and when people like my girls dad just up and leaves her without so much as a word, just like all she ever wanted was to have her daddy there in her most important moment, all I want is to know that he is there for me, for us. And somehow, at some point, I might even begin to believe it, and then I will be able to rest in that, and to just breathe....
6.17.2017
Trashed Trust
June 17, 12pm
Maybe it's age, maybe it's just me. But I reached the end of my patience for people I cannot trust after this last incident. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I love to take pictures. And I love to share pictures. On social media, I share through facebook, instagram, and twitter occasionally. I put pictures within my blogs and have made videos and vlogs from photos. I share them because they mean something to me personally. I take pride and enjoyment in them and in sharing my life and adventures with others. I have only one request and that is that people do not take my photos and use them for their own or claim them as their own. To me it seems like a simple request, one that shouldn't be too hard to understand or comply with. Is it really that difficult to respect other people's property? I am aware that being behind a machine, having that anonymity, causes many people to act out and speak in ways that they wouldn't normally. Would you walk into my home and take a portrait off my wall and walk out and go hang it in your home as yours? Would you sell it or give it away to other people? If I was to come do the same in your home, with a portrait of your underage child, would you shrug your shoulders and say "oh well"? Would you be angry? Why is it ok to do these things online, without having or even bothering to ask permission, to just take what you see? Just as there are laws regarding personal property within my home, there are laws regarding personal property online. This isn't just a legal issue it is a moral one. If I saw you come into my home and take something and I stopped you walking out would you push me aside and walk out anyways? What if I did it to you?
I'm having a lot of trouble these days understanding people's mindsets and thinking, the way they justify treating others with no respect and no dignity. When it comes to the internet, it appears that people have absolutely NO regard or respect for others privacy, safety, or their feelings.
This week, I posted my daughters grad pics. I was proud of her accomplishment and wanted to share that with friends and family. So I posted an album of her grad proofs that had arrived in the mail that day. All 32 proofs. My cousin, who I barely talk to, went and took at least a dozen of them and put them on her page as her own. She did not ask, she did not tell me, she did not tag me in them. Instead, she tagged someone else completely in them. Someone who has a shady history of being well, a perv. She did not ask my underage child or tell her either or tag her. She just took them and used them as she wanted. When I asked her politely many times to remove them, she refused. She told me to F*** off that she will do what she wants. When I asked other family to kindly ask her because she wasn't listening to me, I got the same response. Hateful hurtful things, accusations, insults, and attacks. For asking for someone to respect a childs privacy. Is this what the internet does to people? Brings out all their worst qualities? Not that they were nice to begin with but hiding behind a computer or cell phone lets them think they can do and speak however they want and that they will rarely if ever face consequences. They seem to take pride in their ability to attack others without regard to how it hurts or affects others. Are people really that cold-hearted?
This isn't the first time this has happened. It's happened many times now. And I no longer have family or friends I can trust because of it. I no longer am able to share my life, my enjoyments, my accomplishments, my adventures with them. Because whether it is photos or statuses or videos, or stories or poems or well, anything, it is stolen from me and used without my permission. I'm so tired of being taken advantage of and used. I am sick and tired of being treated as though I don't matter and like I am just garbage to be taken from and thrown aside. I have never been able to have anything that is truly my own because sooner or later it ALWAYS gets taken away from me. And those who tell me I have no right to be upset about it, screw you. I am PISSED. I have every right to be. I deserve to be respected and have mine and my daughters privacy and safety respected. I have done everything within my power to protect her. And I don't care if she is 17 or 71, she will always deserve that. online or offline, I always have and always will, do whatever it takes to do what I can for her and myself. And I don't give a rip who likes it or agrees with it or not. I have faced everything that's been thrown at me and come out swinging. There is NOTHING anyone can do that I haven't already faced.
So I deactivated my facebook and made a new one, I removed all personal photos off instagram, and no one will be trusted again. Not even in the slightest. Every effort I have made to even be friends with people has been rejected or passed over, so I will no longer make the effort. I've been invisible to most people anyways, no one will care if I disappear. So I will. If I am going to be alone. If I am going to have be be as lonely as I have been for all my hard work and efforts, I'm going to just be lonely without making any more effort.
I'm just tired. All my biological family has ever done is hate me and treat me with disgust and bitterness and jealousy. I might be a christian but that doesn't mean I am someone to be walked all over and crapped on. Turning the other cheek should never mean it is ok to abuse someone you claim to love. And my whole life has been filled with abuse, whether it be verbal, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional. I am done. Done with everyone, and done with this pathetic life and the pathetic people in it. I will live for no one but myself and my daughter. And if that means I die alone at least I will die alone knowing I made every effort on my own. It's time I live for me. And if others can't give me what I deserve they don't deserve to even be in my life at all. I'm better off without all of you.
So if I cease to exist for you, know this is why. And I don't feel guilty one bit. Forget you, and the horse you all rode in on.
Maybe it's age, maybe it's just me. But I reached the end of my patience for people I cannot trust after this last incident. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I love to take pictures. And I love to share pictures. On social media, I share through facebook, instagram, and twitter occasionally. I put pictures within my blogs and have made videos and vlogs from photos. I share them because they mean something to me personally. I take pride and enjoyment in them and in sharing my life and adventures with others. I have only one request and that is that people do not take my photos and use them for their own or claim them as their own. To me it seems like a simple request, one that shouldn't be too hard to understand or comply with. Is it really that difficult to respect other people's property? I am aware that being behind a machine, having that anonymity, causes many people to act out and speak in ways that they wouldn't normally. Would you walk into my home and take a portrait off my wall and walk out and go hang it in your home as yours? Would you sell it or give it away to other people? If I was to come do the same in your home, with a portrait of your underage child, would you shrug your shoulders and say "oh well"? Would you be angry? Why is it ok to do these things online, without having or even bothering to ask permission, to just take what you see? Just as there are laws regarding personal property within my home, there are laws regarding personal property online. This isn't just a legal issue it is a moral one. If I saw you come into my home and take something and I stopped you walking out would you push me aside and walk out anyways? What if I did it to you?
I'm having a lot of trouble these days understanding people's mindsets and thinking, the way they justify treating others with no respect and no dignity. When it comes to the internet, it appears that people have absolutely NO regard or respect for others privacy, safety, or their feelings.
This week, I posted my daughters grad pics. I was proud of her accomplishment and wanted to share that with friends and family. So I posted an album of her grad proofs that had arrived in the mail that day. All 32 proofs. My cousin, who I barely talk to, went and took at least a dozen of them and put them on her page as her own. She did not ask, she did not tell me, she did not tag me in them. Instead, she tagged someone else completely in them. Someone who has a shady history of being well, a perv. She did not ask my underage child or tell her either or tag her. She just took them and used them as she wanted. When I asked her politely many times to remove them, she refused. She told me to F*** off that she will do what she wants. When I asked other family to kindly ask her because she wasn't listening to me, I got the same response. Hateful hurtful things, accusations, insults, and attacks. For asking for someone to respect a childs privacy. Is this what the internet does to people? Brings out all their worst qualities? Not that they were nice to begin with but hiding behind a computer or cell phone lets them think they can do and speak however they want and that they will rarely if ever face consequences. They seem to take pride in their ability to attack others without regard to how it hurts or affects others. Are people really that cold-hearted?
This isn't the first time this has happened. It's happened many times now. And I no longer have family or friends I can trust because of it. I no longer am able to share my life, my enjoyments, my accomplishments, my adventures with them. Because whether it is photos or statuses or videos, or stories or poems or well, anything, it is stolen from me and used without my permission. I'm so tired of being taken advantage of and used. I am sick and tired of being treated as though I don't matter and like I am just garbage to be taken from and thrown aside. I have never been able to have anything that is truly my own because sooner or later it ALWAYS gets taken away from me. And those who tell me I have no right to be upset about it, screw you. I am PISSED. I have every right to be. I deserve to be respected and have mine and my daughters privacy and safety respected. I have done everything within my power to protect her. And I don't care if she is 17 or 71, she will always deserve that. online or offline, I always have and always will, do whatever it takes to do what I can for her and myself. And I don't give a rip who likes it or agrees with it or not. I have faced everything that's been thrown at me and come out swinging. There is NOTHING anyone can do that I haven't already faced.
So I deactivated my facebook and made a new one, I removed all personal photos off instagram, and no one will be trusted again. Not even in the slightest. Every effort I have made to even be friends with people has been rejected or passed over, so I will no longer make the effort. I've been invisible to most people anyways, no one will care if I disappear. So I will. If I am going to be alone. If I am going to have be be as lonely as I have been for all my hard work and efforts, I'm going to just be lonely without making any more effort.
I'm just tired. All my biological family has ever done is hate me and treat me with disgust and bitterness and jealousy. I might be a christian but that doesn't mean I am someone to be walked all over and crapped on. Turning the other cheek should never mean it is ok to abuse someone you claim to love. And my whole life has been filled with abuse, whether it be verbal, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional. I am done. Done with everyone, and done with this pathetic life and the pathetic people in it. I will live for no one but myself and my daughter. And if that means I die alone at least I will die alone knowing I made every effort on my own. It's time I live for me. And if others can't give me what I deserve they don't deserve to even be in my life at all. I'm better off without all of you.
So if I cease to exist for you, know this is why. And I don't feel guilty one bit. Forget you, and the horse you all rode in on.
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