It's my BIRTHday?

Dec 1st, 2012, 230am

BIRTHday meaning the day I was born, brought into this world, but not the day I first lived, because, one can never truly live until they can understands what it means to LIVE.
What is supposed to be a special day consists lately of nothing more than reading random emails from my dentist and other professionals who barely know my name much less care about my "special day", and rummaging through feeds on Facebook looking for random HBD's from people I've never been blessed enough to meet nor ever will, people I play games with, some family or friends that don't care enough to pick up the phone but care enough about their image that they want to be seen doing their yearly duty because, let's face it, social media will never replace real life contact and it is so easy to hide behind a machine and pretend to be someone you're not, I of all people know that. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, and I cherish their well wishes for those that are truly sincere, its just not the same as in real life, and it certainly doesn't have half the impact as in person, a touch, a hug, a smile, to hear the phone ringing and know its for you and its something GOOD.
It consists also of waiting by a phone that might ring once or twice, but the ones I really want to hear from are long gone, such as my mom who will never call again, or the one who hates me so much that the reason he probably asked me for my address is to send me a bill or restraining order for a gift, like a slap in the face. And the one thing I really wanted above all, I don't, and probably never will. It's why holidays and special occasions really suck, and are depressing and stressful and downright draining. Trying to put on a happy face and be cheerful and be happy for others while inside I can feel the tears well up and start to overflow and noone understands why if I am happy for others, I am crying and miserable, either out of shame or remorse or anger or just plain old jealousy because they have something I will never have. Its times like that that I try not to speak at all, because after all, its never about me, or shouldn't be. Because then I am told I am selfish and just on a pity party feeling sorry for myself.
I have 2 things in this life that I can be grateful for on a day like today.
One is my daughter. I hate being alone. I hate feeling alone. I hate facing the fact that I will probably never get my fairy tale and have the chance to be happy that way. But she is there through it all, not even knowing the pain I go through, and she is there to encourage me when she doesn't even know she does.
The other is the fact I am still alive. I don't know how, or why. I might never fully know. And I am angry and bitter over the past and anxious and deathly afraid of the future. Sometimes I hate myself and my life, if not for my girl I'd be so lost. She is my light in the darkest tunnel. And despite the fact that I sit here telling you how miserable and sad I am, and despite the great pain I can't even begin to describe that goes on in me every single day, and the confusion I face with it, the torment of knowing that I should know better, and I should trust God, sometimes I hate and blame Him too, I keep telling myself, there WILL be a day. There IS a purpose, and I WILL fulfill it before I go. And I am reminded of a promise I made long ago, to a friend, to myself, and to God. To never walk that road no matter how tempting it is. I am reminded, especially today, of the fact that I am alive, I breathe, and although most times I feel completely lost and condemned and hated, somewhere, someday, it will come together. And God does give me strength, and it is day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to face whatever He has for me, because in the end, its HIS battle, and it will be HIS victory, not mine.
And today, December 1st, 2012, my 39th birthday, I am determined to enjoy it in spite of lacking that one thing I wanted so desperately. I WILL do as I planned and I will go out and have fun and spend the time with the most important person on this earth to me right now, the one that loves me back, unconditionally, before I lose that chance and it is gone forever. Anything else that comes, is bonus :P
And that concludes my depressing birthday rant, now back to your regularly scheduled social media bliss...