I might find the energy to write something if substance this week. But for now , who needs makeup when you have an app that can turn you into a cat? ; p
8.26.2014
1.18.2014
Teaching an old dog new tricks
Some say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I dare to say I used to agree with that, but now, I don't so much.
Maybe it's getting older, maybe wiser. OK, it's getting older lol.
I am a stubborn person, I get stuck in certain ways of doing things and change isn't always easy for me. Thinking outside the box, seeing shades of grey. For me, most everything is either black or white, there's a right way to do something, and a wrong way, and that's it. But over the years I have learned that's not always the case, and although it's been hard, I have started to learn that I can do some things more than one way, not only that but that I can learn new things that I never thought I'd be able to do before.
So it might seem simple to the majority of you by now, this old dog is learning a new trick. That's right. At 40 years old (wow, has it been that long?! We'll save that topic for another day lol), I am learning how to drive.
I had my learners license when I turned 15 and took drivers ed through the school. I had to go to Drayton Valley (we lived in the country) to take the lessons and our big city trip was to Edmonton. All I remember of it was that I loved the one thing everyone hated, traffic circles. After that I never went any further, I don't even remember if I passed that course. But I moved to Edmonton when I was 17 and I held onto my learners for many years, never driving never practicing. I never dreamed I would leave Edmonton and was happy with the bus, it never occurred to me that I would ever even need or want a license or to drive. So eventually, I let it expire. I couldn't afford to renew it one year, and decided it was not worth hanging onto. Skip forward 15 years to where I now live in Calgary and have a teenage daughter. Being here the last 4 years has been tough. As far as I see, transit sucks, especially being in such a large city that is so spread out. It has taken me 4 years to learn my way around and I am still learning, unlike Edmonton where, I knew every part of the city like the back of my hand, new places were easy to find, an the roads were so easy to figure out. So many subdivisions, cul-de-sacs, one way streets, freeways, overpasses and roads not meant for regular citizen driving. To get to the Northwest from the Northeast I have to take the bus to the train, go south and then head back north because there is no train or bus that goes east to west. At least not yet. Travel time is 3 or 4 times what it would take to drive, which, when you are working on the other end of the city and have appointments or emergencies, makes for a very long tiring day.
So I decided that I would get my license and be driving by the time I was 40. I know, I kept pushing the date back, but when I had to take my daughter on the bus across the city to various schools for volleyball and basketball games, the tightness of the schedules hit me. And I thought to myself, it isn't fair, for her, that I can't get her where she needs to go and I hated to see her have to miss out because we just couldn't get there fast enough on the bus and rides were unavailable. Being on a team means you have to be there all the time no matter what. Oh, we made it, but I felt bad for her, not that she minded, she was fine, and she understood, but still. So I decided, no more. I was going to be able to drive her to practices, and youth group, and activities.
So I took my learners test but I didn't have the money for the actual license, so as soon as I could afford it, I got it. I worked and saved as much as I could so I could take drivers ed again, and start from scratch because I had literally forgotten everything I learned about driving. I had to wait a month after the in class lessons to start the in car portion, and now I am on my third lesson. I found someone willing to give some extra practice, thanks Marc ur a godsend :P. I am hoping to finish the in-car and get some practice and be ready for my test by February sometime.
I think it's going well so far. I need a lot of practice, but I am looking forward to it now and the dream doesn't feel so out of reach. It might not seem like too big of a deal to most of you but to me, it is. Setting goals, learning new things, and accomplishing them, has been hard. And I am excited! I can't wait to be able to go places the bus doesn't go, whenever I want to, and to give something to my daughter that she deserves! And so by spring break, I'm thinking, road trip!
And the picture? Just what everyone keeps telling me in various ways and forms LOL
Phil 4:13 "I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."
1.13.2013
6 degrees of separation
Jan 13-13
I'm sure you've all heard the term and know what it means. For those that haven't, it's the concept or idea that, every single person on the earth, is in one way or another connected. Through a chain of no more than 6 people, we are bound to be connected with others.
Lately I have found out that as hard as I try to ignore this fact, the more I find out that it is indeed true.
In some ways, its great. Like we are all a part of one big happy family. And its wonderful finding out how we all know each other. Its great for conversation and for making new acquaintances. On the other hand, it can be a bit.... unnerving, scary even. I used to say, well, I still do say, that its kind of neat that so and so knows so and so, but man if they all got together and discovered they knew ME in common, they could tell some awesome and horrific stories. Not exactly polite dinner conversation either, if you know what I mean hahaha.
And I was reminded of the world wide connection, yet again, this week, when I made a new friend and discovered, rather accidentally, they are friends with someone I know. I wonder if maybe my ex was right, ignorance IS bliss, because finding out such personal information about someone can really change how you look at that person. I mean, not necessarily in a negative way, but it does make a difference. I know, with finding out what I did this week, that I will never be able to look at that person the same way again. And it causes people to be more discreet, way more cautious about what personal information they reveal to others, especially those they haven't known for long. Because trust, is very hard to build for many, and way easier to destroy, and faster too.
I have my issues with trust. I can understand why people are wary, I am weary myself. But in trying to convince my new friend that he shouldn't have to worry so much, then finding out who he knew that I knew, made me think twice about being so quick to brush his caution off as something light and unnecessary.
Let's just say, if you are on the internet, what is posted can never really go away completely. And always remember, that at some point, peoples paths are bound to cross. So, don't do with your left hand what you don't want your right to know about, ever.
And that's my rant for tonight :D
I'm sure you've all heard the term and know what it means. For those that haven't, it's the concept or idea that, every single person on the earth, is in one way or another connected. Through a chain of no more than 6 people, we are bound to be connected with others.
Lately I have found out that as hard as I try to ignore this fact, the more I find out that it is indeed true.
And I was reminded of the world wide connection, yet again, this week, when I made a new friend and discovered, rather accidentally, they are friends with someone I know. I wonder if maybe my ex was right, ignorance IS bliss, because finding out such personal information about someone can really change how you look at that person. I mean, not necessarily in a negative way, but it does make a difference. I know, with finding out what I did this week, that I will never be able to look at that person the same way again. And it causes people to be more discreet, way more cautious about what personal information they reveal to others, especially those they haven't known for long. Because trust, is very hard to build for many, and way easier to destroy, and faster too.
I have my issues with trust. I can understand why people are wary, I am weary myself. But in trying to convince my new friend that he shouldn't have to worry so much, then finding out who he knew that I knew, made me think twice about being so quick to brush his caution off as something light and unnecessary.
Let's just say, if you are on the internet, what is posted can never really go away completely. And always remember, that at some point, peoples paths are bound to cross. So, don't do with your left hand what you don't want your right to know about, ever.
And that's my rant for tonight :D
12.08.2012
Christmas Home Sunday, December 9th, 2012
My aunt shared this recently and I thought I'd reshare it with you. It's a beautiful and different perspective on 1 Corinthians 13, better known as the love chapter. The author is unknown.
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12.01.2012
It's my BIRTHday?
Dec 1st, 2012, 230am
BIRTHday meaning the day I was born, brought into this world, but not the day I first lived, because, one can never truly live until they can understands what it means to LIVE.
What is supposed to be a special day consists lately of nothing more than reading random emails from my dentist and other professionals who barely know my name much less care about my "special day", and rummaging through feeds on Facebook looking for random HBD's from people I've never been blessed enough to meet nor ever will, people I play games with, some family or friends that don't care enough to pick up the phone but care enough about their image that they want to be seen doing their yearly duty because, let's face it, social media will never replace real life contact and it is so easy to hide behind a machine and pretend to be someone you're not, I of all people know that. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, and I cherish their well wishes for those that are truly sincere, its just not the same as in real life, and it certainly doesn't have half the impact as in person, a touch, a hug, a smile, to hear the phone ringing and know its for you and its something GOOD.
It consists also of waiting by a phone that might ring once or twice, but the ones I really want to hear from are long gone, such as my mom who will never call again, or the one who hates me so much that the reason he probably asked me for my address is to send me a bill or restraining order for a gift, like a slap in the face. And the one thing I really wanted above all, I don't, and probably never will. It's why holidays and special occasions really suck, and are depressing and stressful and downright draining. Trying to put on a happy face and be cheerful and be happy for others while inside I can feel the tears well up and start to overflow and noone understands why if I am happy for others, I am crying and miserable, either out of shame or remorse or anger or just plain old jealousy because they have something I will never have. Its times like that that I try not to speak at all, because after all, its never about me, or shouldn't be. Because then I am told I am selfish and just on a pity party feeling sorry for myself.
I have 2 things in this life that I can be grateful for on a day like today.
One is my daughter. I hate being alone. I hate feeling alone. I hate facing the fact that I will probably never get my fairy tale and have the chance to be happy that way. But she is there through it all, not even knowing the pain I go through, and she is there to encourage me when she doesn't even know she does.
The other is the fact I am still alive. I don't know how, or why. I might never fully know. And I am angry and bitter over the past and anxious and deathly afraid of the future. Sometimes I hate myself and my life, if not for my girl I'd be so lost. She is my light in the darkest tunnel. And despite the fact that I sit here telling you how miserable and sad I am, and despite the great pain I can't even begin to describe that goes on in me every single day, and the confusion I face with it, the torment of knowing that I should know better, and I should trust God, sometimes I hate and blame Him too, I keep telling myself, there WILL be a day. There IS a purpose, and I WILL fulfill it before I go. And I am reminded of a promise I made long ago, to a friend, to myself, and to God. To never walk that road no matter how tempting it is. I am reminded, especially today, of the fact that I am alive, I breathe, and although most times I feel completely lost and condemned and hated, somewhere, someday, it will come together. And God does give me strength, and it is day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to face whatever He has for me, because in the end, its HIS battle, and it will be HIS victory, not mine.
And today, December 1st, 2012, my 39th birthday, I am determined to enjoy it in spite of lacking that one thing I wanted so desperately. I WILL do as I planned and I will go out and have fun and spend the time with the most important person on this earth to me right now, the one that loves me back, unconditionally, before I lose that chance and it is gone forever. Anything else that comes, is bonus :P
And that concludes my depressing birthday rant, now back to your regularly scheduled social media bliss...
BIRTHday meaning the day I was born, brought into this world, but not the day I first lived, because, one can never truly live until they can understands what it means to LIVE.
What is supposed to be a special day consists lately of nothing more than reading random emails from my dentist and other professionals who barely know my name much less care about my "special day", and rummaging through feeds on Facebook looking for random HBD's from people I've never been blessed enough to meet nor ever will, people I play games with, some family or friends that don't care enough to pick up the phone but care enough about their image that they want to be seen doing their yearly duty because, let's face it, social media will never replace real life contact and it is so easy to hide behind a machine and pretend to be someone you're not, I of all people know that. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, and I cherish their well wishes for those that are truly sincere, its just not the same as in real life, and it certainly doesn't have half the impact as in person, a touch, a hug, a smile, to hear the phone ringing and know its for you and its something GOOD.
It consists also of waiting by a phone that might ring once or twice, but the ones I really want to hear from are long gone, such as my mom who will never call again, or the one who hates me so much that the reason he probably asked me for my address is to send me a bill or restraining order for a gift, like a slap in the face. And the one thing I really wanted above all, I don't, and probably never will. It's why holidays and special occasions really suck, and are depressing and stressful and downright draining. Trying to put on a happy face and be cheerful and be happy for others while inside I can feel the tears well up and start to overflow and noone understands why if I am happy for others, I am crying and miserable, either out of shame or remorse or anger or just plain old jealousy because they have something I will never have. Its times like that that I try not to speak at all, because after all, its never about me, or shouldn't be. Because then I am told I am selfish and just on a pity party feeling sorry for myself.
I have 2 things in this life that I can be grateful for on a day like today.
One is my daughter. I hate being alone. I hate feeling alone. I hate facing the fact that I will probably never get my fairy tale and have the chance to be happy that way. But she is there through it all, not even knowing the pain I go through, and she is there to encourage me when she doesn't even know she does.
The other is the fact I am still alive. I don't know how, or why. I might never fully know. And I am angry and bitter over the past and anxious and deathly afraid of the future. Sometimes I hate myself and my life, if not for my girl I'd be so lost. She is my light in the darkest tunnel. And despite the fact that I sit here telling you how miserable and sad I am, and despite the great pain I can't even begin to describe that goes on in me every single day, and the confusion I face with it, the torment of knowing that I should know better, and I should trust God, sometimes I hate and blame Him too, I keep telling myself, there WILL be a day. There IS a purpose, and I WILL fulfill it before I go. And I am reminded of a promise I made long ago, to a friend, to myself, and to God. To never walk that road no matter how tempting it is. I am reminded, especially today, of the fact that I am alive, I breathe, and although most times I feel completely lost and condemned and hated, somewhere, someday, it will come together. And God does give me strength, and it is day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to face whatever He has for me, because in the end, its HIS battle, and it will be HIS victory, not mine.
And today, December 1st, 2012, my 39th birthday, I am determined to enjoy it in spite of lacking that one thing I wanted so desperately. I WILL do as I planned and I will go out and have fun and spend the time with the most important person on this earth to me right now, the one that loves me back, unconditionally, before I lose that chance and it is gone forever. Anything else that comes, is bonus :P
And that concludes my depressing birthday rant, now back to your regularly scheduled social media bliss...
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