6 degrees of separation

Jan 13-13
     I'm sure you've all heard the term and know what it means. For those that haven't, it's the concept or idea that, every single person on the earth, is in one way or another connected. Through a chain of no more than 6 people, we are bound to be connected with others.
Lately I have found out that as hard as I try to ignore this fact, the more I find out that it is indeed true.

In some ways, its great. Like we are all a part of one big happy family. And its wonderful finding out how we all know each other. Its great for conversation and for making new acquaintances. On the other hand, it can be a bit.... unnerving, scary even. I used to say, well, I still do say, that its kind of neat that so and so knows so and so, but man if they all got together and discovered they knew ME in common, they could tell some awesome and horrific stories. Not exactly polite dinner conversation either, if you know what I mean hahaha.
And I was reminded of the world wide connection, yet again, this week, when I made a new friend and discovered, rather accidentally, they are friends with someone I know. I wonder if maybe my ex was right, ignorance IS bliss, because finding out such personal information about someone can really change how you look at that person. I mean, not necessarily in a negative way, but it does make a difference. I know, with finding out what I did this week, that I will never be able to look at that person the same way again. And it causes people to be more discreet, way more cautious about what personal information they reveal to others, especially those they haven't known for long. Because trust, is very hard to build for many, and way easier to destroy, and faster too.
I have my issues with trust. I can understand why people are wary, I am weary myself. But in trying to convince my new friend that he shouldn't have to worry so much, then finding out who he knew that I knew, made me think twice about being so quick to brush his caution off as something light and unnecessary.
Let's just say, if you are on the internet, what is posted can never really go away completely. And always remember, that at some point, peoples paths are bound to cross. So, don't do with your left hand what you don't want your right to know about, ever.
And that's my rant for tonight :D

Christmas Home Sunday, December 9th, 2012

My aunt shared this recently and I thought I'd reshare it with you. It's a beautiful and different perspective on 1 Corinthians 13, better known as the love chapter. The author is unknown. If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls ... but do not show love to my family, I'm just another decorator. If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime ... but do not show love to my friends and family, I'm just another cook. If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home, and give all that I have to charity ... but do not show love to my friends and loved ones, it profits me nothing. If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir's cantata ... but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point. Love stops the cooking to hug the child. Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse. Love is kind, though harried and tired. Love doesn't envy another's home that has so beautifully coordinated Christmas china and table linens. Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way. Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return, but rejoices in giving to those who cannot. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, But giving the gift of love will endure forever.

It's my BIRTHday?

Dec 1st, 2012, 230am

BIRTHday meaning the day I was born, brought into this world, but not the day I first lived, because, one can never truly live until they can understands what it means to LIVE.
What is supposed to be a special day consists lately of nothing more than reading random emails from my dentist and other professionals who barely know my name much less care about my "special day", and rummaging through feeds on Facebook looking for random HBD's from people I've never been blessed enough to meet nor ever will, people I play games with, some family or friends that don't care enough to pick up the phone but care enough about their image that they want to be seen doing their yearly duty because, let's face it, social media will never replace real life contact and it is so easy to hide behind a machine and pretend to be someone you're not, I of all people know that. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, and I cherish their well wishes for those that are truly sincere, its just not the same as in real life, and it certainly doesn't have half the impact as in person, a touch, a hug, a smile, to hear the phone ringing and know its for you and its something GOOD.
It consists also of waiting by a phone that might ring once or twice, but the ones I really want to hear from are long gone, such as my mom who will never call again, or the one who hates me so much that the reason he probably asked me for my address is to send me a bill or restraining order for a gift, like a slap in the face. And the one thing I really wanted above all, I don't, and probably never will. It's why holidays and special occasions really suck, and are depressing and stressful and downright draining. Trying to put on a happy face and be cheerful and be happy for others while inside I can feel the tears well up and start to overflow and noone understands why if I am happy for others, I am crying and miserable, either out of shame or remorse or anger or just plain old jealousy because they have something I will never have. Its times like that that I try not to speak at all, because after all, its never about me, or shouldn't be. Because then I am told I am selfish and just on a pity party feeling sorry for myself.
I have 2 things in this life that I can be grateful for on a day like today.
One is my daughter. I hate being alone. I hate feeling alone. I hate facing the fact that I will probably never get my fairy tale and have the chance to be happy that way. But she is there through it all, not even knowing the pain I go through, and she is there to encourage me when she doesn't even know she does.
The other is the fact I am still alive. I don't know how, or why. I might never fully know. And I am angry and bitter over the past and anxious and deathly afraid of the future. Sometimes I hate myself and my life, if not for my girl I'd be so lost. She is my light in the darkest tunnel. And despite the fact that I sit here telling you how miserable and sad I am, and despite the great pain I can't even begin to describe that goes on in me every single day, and the confusion I face with it, the torment of knowing that I should know better, and I should trust God, sometimes I hate and blame Him too, I keep telling myself, there WILL be a day. There IS a purpose, and I WILL fulfill it before I go. And I am reminded of a promise I made long ago, to a friend, to myself, and to God. To never walk that road no matter how tempting it is. I am reminded, especially today, of the fact that I am alive, I breathe, and although most times I feel completely lost and condemned and hated, somewhere, someday, it will come together. And God does give me strength, and it is day by day, sometimes hour by hour, to face whatever He has for me, because in the end, its HIS battle, and it will be HIS victory, not mine.
And today, December 1st, 2012, my 39th birthday, I am determined to enjoy it in spite of lacking that one thing I wanted so desperately. I WILL do as I planned and I will go out and have fun and spend the time with the most important person on this earth to me right now, the one that loves me back, unconditionally, before I lose that chance and it is gone forever. Anything else that comes, is bonus :P
And that concludes my depressing birthday rant, now back to your regularly scheduled social media bliss...

Some days...

Nov 23-2012-1pm
Some days I imagine the doorbell will ring, and there he will be. At my door, come to see me. Because he wants to.
I wish he would just show up, although I know he probably never will.

Still, a girl can dream....

Life moves on

Life doesn't stop when people go away, or when relationships die. People move on, things change. But for me, I thought my world ended. I made him my world, my life, and when he went away, a huge part of my life ended. Sounds crazy doesn't it? But it's true.
I forgot who I was, what I wanted. For a time, everything was about him, wanting to make him happy, wanting to make him proud, wanting to be there for him. But I don't think he ever really wanted me. It was more the idea of having me, the fantasy, you know? I wasn't an individual, I was just a property. It could have been me, it could be anyone in the future. But the idea is still the same.
It broke my heart, loving him so much and making him my world, that when it all came crashing down, I had to face that I just wasn't a part of his world like he was mine. Its a hard thing to face and accept, reality, and rejection.
I see the world moving on, I see him moving on, and although I should be happy for him and I should be moving on as well,it seems like I am just stuck, in slow motion, watching life pass me by. He says I didn't want him to succeed. He will never know that the truth is I wanted nothing less than complete success and happiness for him, I just wanted to be a part of it, to be by his side through it. But he wouldn't allow me. He wouldn't let me in, he shut me out, and no matter how hard I bang on the door it won't open because he locked me out and threw away the key so to speak.
I still wait for him to text, to email, to call, to say something, anything. For some sign of life between us, that meant so much to me but didn't seem to matter to him. I think about him all the time. Ok, well, not so much ALL the time, lately I have had periods where I have completely forgotten. But then a sound, a certain sight, a song, and the memories come flooding back and its unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I should move away from here, go far away, try to run from the memories that haunt me. But I can never escape myself, the way I feel. I have lived life being rejected by so many. I have been abandoned and outcast by family, friends, past loves, those who claim to want the best for me and to care only to end up despised when their selfish motives become clear and the truth that they cannot achieve their goals of using me to further their own agendas. And every time I have proven them wrong, I have moved on, gotten stronger, been happy, learned, grown. Now it just seems like a heavy sadness hanging over my head that I can't escape. Something is missing.
Was I born with a stamp on my forehead that says walk on me, use me? When does it end?
I'm a simple person, I don't ask for much really. Nothing I would consider extraordinary or excessive. Honesty, integrity, respect. To be wanted and needed, to matter. Is that really too much?
I could go on forever I'm sure, about how he hurt me, about the pain I live with, feeling sorry for myself yet angry at myself at the same time for not being able to just let it go and move forward. Its a never ending circle. Its Friday night, and I wonder what he is doing, who he is with, if he is thinking about me like I think about him. If he remembers or if he is trying still to forget.

In the meantime, Cream Soda goes really well with Southern Comfort....