Welcome to 31 Days of Being Me

31 days of commitment to blogging every day. This is where I begin. I'm not a pro blogger, I have no fancy words or format. Last year I made it 8 days. This year I will do better. I'll still do random topics, I have no theme or set line to follow again. But that's ok. One foot in front of the other. Welcome to my crazy life, well, at least 31 days of it. Transparency and honesty are core here. I don't have a specific audience in mind, but for whoever lands on my pages, my prayer is that at least one of my posts will leave you inspired or thoughtful.  Links will be posted for each separate article to this post so you can find them all easily right here.  Feel free to comment, give advice, share your own 31 day links. I'm looking forward to sharing with you all and seeing what everyone has to offer. Thanks for following me, and enjoy. ~Chelle~ 

Day 1-  Another Chance

Day 2 -   In The News

Day 3 - Distracted

Day 4 -        Oops

Day 8: A Piece of the Puzzle

    Well I am so far behind I don't think I'll ever catch up, but I will still write through the 31 days and make as many posts as I can. I was away for 4 days and have hurt my back pretty bad so sitting is very painful for me and I won't be writing much for a few more days but I did want to continue with a part of fitting in and belonging.
     I was able to visit with some family this week, and learned my understanding of where my name comes from isn't the same as I remembered it or was told. Turns out, my mother was married, for less than 6 months and the man she was married to is where we got our last name. She just never changed it back legally after they split. And I was even able to put a face to the name. It makes me glad to know this small detail, it kind of means alot to me in my struggle to know my life. 
  And this weekend, we drove up to Edmonton so my daughter could visit with her grandma on her dad's side and see family there. I didn't make any plans, I had no idea what I was going to do really, but God worked it out. I got to see not one but three of my sisters and one of my brothers and have turkey dinner with 2 of them, so that was great. And I went out to visit more family and have thanksgiving dinner with them. What a blessing! I learned some good news and some not so good news about some family, but the most important thing for me is being able to see them, and a couple friends I haven't been able to see in such a long time.
      I didn't know if I made it home driving that far, but I pushed through despite the pain and made it home safe. Now I am immobile and wondering just how to get to the doctors since I can't walk and I am scared to go alone or drive. But for now I will rest some more because sitting in this chair is too hard to bear.

Day 7: Belonging

       I was worried about this challenge. Like I said, so many accomplished writers, so many great articles. I try not to write for others because then I just worry about whether I'm as good as some. But I do have to say this is great, stepping out of your comfort zone, and finding there is a whole community of people that have the same fears and worries as I do about writing. People that have a common interest and it's good to see people come together to share and support each other despite their differences, and so many writing styles. To be able to pick a topic and stick to it for a whole month, with things like cooking, knitting, family, faith, you name it, so many talents to learn and share!
Bear with me if I repeat myself, sometimes I have trouble getting my thoughts straightened out and I tend to say the same things over and over again lol.
       So where was I? Oh yes, I missed a day and was trying to catch up, and my mind has changed on topics so many times I've lost count. So I'll do this today, because it sort of ties into community. 
Being a part of something is great. At some level, everyone wants to feel like they fit in or belong, it's just in our nature.
  I'll be honest, I spent a huge portion of my life feeling like I didn't fit in or belong anywhere.  A bit of background to explain that. I grew up under social services, so I lived in foster homes, group homes, receiving homes, hospitals, centers, you name it. In the space of 14 years (not counting the 3 years I went back home to live with my birth mom from grade 2 to grade 5), I lived in a total of over 150 placements. A couple of them were repeats, but yes I was moved over 150 times. I lived all over Central Alberta pretty much. I did the math, it works out to an average of 34 days per placement. Some I stayed much less, some I stayed longer. The longest I was in one place was a year and a half. I have two amazing wonderful loving foster families that I have known for most of my life, and they have become as much family to me as my birth family, sometimes more-so. But I was never officially adopted. So yeah, you can just imagine it was difficult to say the least feeling like I didn't ever really belong anywhere. Sometimes I still struggle with it. My father was non existent, I never knew him. I know the man that my mother claimed to be my father, based on him being around when I was born. But with 7 kids and at least 5 different fathers that I know of, it's not a stretch to say we can't be sure he was around when I was conceived. I met him once, for all of 5 minutes when I was 18. I was living in Edmonton at the time and he had another family in Calgary. He mentioned the only way to know for sure was to get a paternity test. Back then I think it was like $500, wayyyyy too much for me to afford at the time. I was torn. As much as I felt I needed to know who I was I also didn't see the point in knowing if my father was some guy I never knew who had a whole other family in another city and didn't seem to want anything much to do with me anyways. It'd be like just another "placement". So I never got it done and I never really talked to him after that. My mom would always say "you should call your dad".... I'd just avoid that. It bothered me alot later on, feeling like I didn't know who I was, because I started thinking about my name and the fact that I don't even really know where or WHO it came from. One of my sisters fathers, my mom never married, but she just stole the name and attached it to half of us kids. So my name isn't even me at all. 
       And if not knowing my earthly identity has taught me one thing, it's that I am grateful for the opportunity it has given me to be completely my own person. Who I am isn't shaped by the family tree, as messed up as it is lol.
And living in sooooo many places has let me meet so many great people, that later on I find are all somehow connected and THAT is scary but that's another story for another time lol.
 But the whole point of saying all this is just to say that being a part of a great community, a group of people, having something to belong to and that can make you feel like you can contribute, it's a great thing, take advantage of it, enjoy it, be blessed by it. You never know who might come along that needs a place to belong, so bless someone else by it, I know it has blessed me so far  :D 

Day 6: F.E.A.R.

       There's a saying that goes "fear has 2 meanings, either forget everything and run, or face everything and rise". I spent a long time doing the first and have been trying more lately to do the latter. I've been afraid of failure and I've been afraid of success. Neither has served any good purpose and I doubt it ever will. When we put our trust in God, we have no need to fear because we know that He has everything under control.  Isaiah 41:10 says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
       I was afraid to stop working because as much as I  thought it was what I should do, I wasn't sure financially it was wise. At a time when many people are losing their jobs and facing crisis, here I am just quitting. I thought I must look crazy to some people lol. I mean, I had just gotten a car and insurance and house insurance, and bought new furniture, and committed to more monthly bills than I had income. And I wondered if I really knew what I was doing. Truth is, I don't. I don't have a plan yet either. But I was given two reminders that confirmed it was what I needed to do. The first was when I started to worry about money thinking I'd have to trim some things down, and I wasn't sure if I could pay for my daughter the things she wanted to do. Like her band class in school, which is after classes, and the school didn't have any instruments so they told me I'd have to rent my own. That cost 3 times what I would have paid through the school, and someone stepped in and covered the whole cost. You probably won't read this but if you do, you know who you are, and you really were an answer to prayer. My girl was ready to give up her music class because she knew it was a huge cost for me, and I felt absolutely horrible that I couldn't give that to her. Just know that your gift doesn't go unnoticed or appreciated and won't be forgotten!
        The second was just a reassurance that God will take care of us, as He has always done, as He always will. I worked very hard to save what I did and that will carry us through and if the things we have planned to do is what He wants us to do then He will make it happen.
      Face everything and rise.  Hiding my fears makes it easier to use them as a crutch or an excuse. The best way to clean out the dirt in the corners is to shine the light there, right? 

Day 5: Transparency

         I saw a post from one of the 31 day bloggers that said something about having a private blog, not sharing it with real life people, those they know personally, it can be embarrassing to bare yourself and know that people you know are reading your thoughts. I thought it wouldn't make a difference, but thinking about it some more, I realized she was right. I have friends that are online that I have never met, many who live across the sea, that I have never met and most likely might never get the chance to meet this side of eternity. It feels alot different with those that know and have met me personally though. We tend to keep ourselves private for fear of failure, fear of success, and fear of exposure. Exposure means vulnerability, and that means an open line to being hurt or taken advantage of. I have experienced that many times, with friends who have taken what I've shared with them and using it against me, betrayed me, and caused me to lose people in my life I care about and love. That can be a huge hindrance to being open and sharing.
        I know I am not alone in that, it is an age old thing. Psalms 56:2-4 says "

My slanderers pursue me all day long; many are attacking me in their pride. 

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. 

 In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"

I write mostly just for myself, sometimes to vent, sometimes, to get my thoughts straightened out. I never felt like I had much to offer in the way of instruction or teaching or encouragement.  I looked at many others blogs, and they come from established writers, preachers, teachers. I'm not educated or elequent in my words. I probably offend many people with what I say sometimes because I am black and white, can be unrelenting or unwavering, and unapologetic. So I don't expect alot to get or even care what I say and most times that's just fine with me. I never had the confidence that I had wisdom to offer others, again, coming from comparing myself to others, what is WITH that?! So in doing this 31 day challenge I am stepping out of my comfort zone and learning how to say, yes I have something to offer, I have my own thoughts and opinions and I speak from personal experience to back it up. It isn't all just book knowledge, I don't care to just take other people's words. Everything I write or share or say to me is personal, it really is. And if even one of my experiences, no matter how hard or horrible or embarrassing or silly, can help one other person to not feel alone or to know that someone out there "gets it", then it's worth it. All the naysayers and tomato throwers won't really change that. 

  Today I talk about transparency, tomorrow I will BE transparent, I just got a bit sidetracked that's all lol. 

  Who am I trying to impress anyways? Certainly not those who think they're better than me!

Did you know that the fear of trusting others is an actual phobia? I just leaned that!  ''Pistanthrophobia'' is the common fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad.
If you do some research there is literally a phobia for everything and condition in this planet. You name it, someone is afraid of it. I know I could attach this term to myself and with my past and the things I have experienced and endured, it would be perfectly acceptable and reasonable. But I would much rather trust in the bigger picture that God has than in my limited view of people based on my past. 

One of my favorite verses is 2 Timothy 1:7  "For God hath not given us the 

spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  I found this a great verse to remember at times I was literally paralyzed by fear, times when I felt like I couldn't focus or think straight, times when I felt I was going absolutely insane. Another one I just found is Romans 8:15  " For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father". 

One day at a time. It's all we can do because really, it's all we have. Sometimes, just one hour at a time. And that's okay. I find taking it one day or even one hour at a time helps me to not be afraid because I can focus on trusting that God is in control.
If I trust in man, I can see fear and failure every where I turn, But if I trust in God, really trust Him, and am honest, He has never let me down. He is always faithful, even when we aren't.