Oct 2-19
I remember the smell of the stinky bugs that infested the house, and sleeping in the bed with them.
I remember waking up in the middle of the night starving because she hadn't fed us for a day or two, and sneaking into the kitchen as quietly as I could to steal bread because it was the only thing I could find that I could eat, and getting caught anyways.
I remember the cat of nine tails she used on us whenever she felt like it. We called her Granny, but she was no relation to us. She was a friend of my mothers who babysat us whenever mom was on a bender and needed a place to ditch us for a few days or a week.
I remember the layout of the house. I still know exactly where the front door lead to the living room and the kitchen and the back door and the bedrooms and the entrance to the basement.
I remember a little boy and girl hiding behind the couch playing makeout games; I often wonder what happened to them and where they ended up, if they were better or worse off than I was, and I remember the basement, where HE lived. Where things happened even worse than the cat of nine tails. Things I mostly don't remember or that I won't retell of here. Things a child should never experience.
Today as I was cooking some toast to go with my supper, I opened the loaf of bread and caught a whiff that sent me straight back to that kitchen in the middle of the night.
It's strange the things that you remember, when tragedies and trauma blocks out the important details, and leaves you with bad smells, and house floor plans.
10.02.2019
12.03.2018
Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas
Dec 3-18
Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas
Here's a thought about the Happy Holidays offense. Recently I heard an ad on the radio saying we will never say happy holidays, it's basically Merry Christmas or nothing. A year ago I would have been 200% in agreement. Now, I don't really care. See, if the season really is about happiness and joy, then what does it matter how it is said? Christmas is nothing but a commercial ad selling useless stuff that will all eventually fade away anyways. Yeah, yeah, I know, "Jesus is the reason for the season", and all that jazz, but is he really? Or is that just an excuse we use to go crazy shopping and planning and doing basically the same as the rest of the world anyways but only better because we have it more right than them? Is it really about Jesus? Or are you just saying that to appear more religious and righteous? Is it a good way to justify ourselves over others and to hang decorations because our santas sit better next to a nativity scene? Think about it. Why so offended at Happy Holidays? If it makes someone happy, and respects their difference of belief or way of life, is it really that bad to just say that instead of Merry Christmas? Does the season change by what you say? NO! If you really wanted them to have a "merry Christmas", would you not also want them to have a "happy Holidays"? Noone is taking away your right to say what you want to say, or to believe what you want to believe, or to celebrate how you want to celebrate. But it shows respect to not bulldoze your way through this time of year by insisting that everyone agree to your way of thinking, because let's face it, that's just not going to happen. A friend recently posted a quote that talks about the fact that no-one changes due to outside pressures, whether it be begging, shaming, reasoning, emotion, tough love, etc. The only thing that allows people to change is their CHOICE to change. They need to recognize their need for change and they need to decide for themselves to change, it cannot be forced. Why do we think this is any different? In the grand scheme of things, who has ever been convinced of the gospel of Jesus by whether someone says "Merry Christmas" over Happy Holidays? Really? THIS pettiness is why Christians have a bad reputation for being so hypocritical. No wonder no-one takes us seriously, even I as a christian don't take it seriously. We are called to reflect Jesus, to preach His good news. Nowhere do I see it appointed to us to be throwing stones. Is a tree or a cross displayed going to change that, really? Is a phrase or a day off going to change it? Or having christmas music blaring in the mall or even a church service? It is God that draws people to Himself by His Spirit, not us dragging people by our words and symbols and egos. I have many non christian friends and family. I've yet to hear anyone complain that Merry Christmas actually offends them, to be honest. I think it's all been blown way out of proportion actually. But if any one of them were to come to me and say it made them uncomfortable, I would respect that, and consider it an opening for discussion and an opportunity to learn and share rather than to point fingers and judge. I will gladly say Happy Holidays because If Jesus can make a Christmas Merry, He can sure make a holiday Happy. The point is, Jesus. And That is my rant for the week lol.
Happy Holidays vs Merry Christmas
Here's a thought about the Happy Holidays offense. Recently I heard an ad on the radio saying we will never say happy holidays, it's basically Merry Christmas or nothing. A year ago I would have been 200% in agreement. Now, I don't really care. See, if the season really is about happiness and joy, then what does it matter how it is said? Christmas is nothing but a commercial ad selling useless stuff that will all eventually fade away anyways. Yeah, yeah, I know, "Jesus is the reason for the season", and all that jazz, but is he really? Or is that just an excuse we use to go crazy shopping and planning and doing basically the same as the rest of the world anyways but only better because we have it more right than them? Is it really about Jesus? Or are you just saying that to appear more religious and righteous? Is it a good way to justify ourselves over others and to hang decorations because our santas sit better next to a nativity scene? Think about it. Why so offended at Happy Holidays? If it makes someone happy, and respects their difference of belief or way of life, is it really that bad to just say that instead of Merry Christmas? Does the season change by what you say? NO! If you really wanted them to have a "merry Christmas", would you not also want them to have a "happy Holidays"? Noone is taking away your right to say what you want to say, or to believe what you want to believe, or to celebrate how you want to celebrate. But it shows respect to not bulldoze your way through this time of year by insisting that everyone agree to your way of thinking, because let's face it, that's just not going to happen. A friend recently posted a quote that talks about the fact that no-one changes due to outside pressures, whether it be begging, shaming, reasoning, emotion, tough love, etc. The only thing that allows people to change is their CHOICE to change. They need to recognize their need for change and they need to decide for themselves to change, it cannot be forced. Why do we think this is any different? In the grand scheme of things, who has ever been convinced of the gospel of Jesus by whether someone says "Merry Christmas" over Happy Holidays? Really? THIS pettiness is why Christians have a bad reputation for being so hypocritical. No wonder no-one takes us seriously, even I as a christian don't take it seriously. We are called to reflect Jesus, to preach His good news. Nowhere do I see it appointed to us to be throwing stones. Is a tree or a cross displayed going to change that, really? Is a phrase or a day off going to change it? Or having christmas music blaring in the mall or even a church service? It is God that draws people to Himself by His Spirit, not us dragging people by our words and symbols and egos. I have many non christian friends and family. I've yet to hear anyone complain that Merry Christmas actually offends them, to be honest. I think it's all been blown way out of proportion actually. But if any one of them were to come to me and say it made them uncomfortable, I would respect that, and consider it an opening for discussion and an opportunity to learn and share rather than to point fingers and judge. I will gladly say Happy Holidays because If Jesus can make a Christmas Merry, He can sure make a holiday Happy. The point is, Jesus. And That is my rant for the week lol.
5.28.2018
Baptism for Salvation
May 28-2018
If baptism is a requirement for salvation it undermines the entire life and death of Jesus and denies the whole of God's sovereignty. Did Jesus die and raise from death so that we could be saved and forgiven of our sins, or did He die so that we could secure our own salvation by the fleshly act of jumping into a bucket of water to save our souls? Is Christ alone enough? Or is God a liar and his love and salvation is conditional with hidden innuendos that he doesn't mention in scripture? Does He not make His word easy enough to comprehend? I mean, A CHILD can understand it, why can't man stop making it so complicated and just accept His truth for what it is?
The scriptures that say just believe, are they wrong too then? Did God LIE in His Holy Word? Are all the souls that believed and died before being baptised go straight to hell? Or is God holding to a double standard and changing the rules for some and not for others?
Jesus was baptised BEFORE he died. As a show of faith as an example. Was he needing to do that before he died then because his death and resurrection wouldn't be enough? Careful here, your bordering on heresy.
There is no in-between. There is no grey area. it's a simple yes or no.
Either Jesus saves, or Jesus was not enough because we need baptism to save us. NO In Between.
BOOM I just broke it down for you. Mic Drop. I'm out.
If baptism is a requirement for salvation it undermines the entire life and death of Jesus and denies the whole of God's sovereignty. Did Jesus die and raise from death so that we could be saved and forgiven of our sins, or did He die so that we could secure our own salvation by the fleshly act of jumping into a bucket of water to save our souls? Is Christ alone enough? Or is God a liar and his love and salvation is conditional with hidden innuendos that he doesn't mention in scripture? Does He not make His word easy enough to comprehend? I mean, A CHILD can understand it, why can't man stop making it so complicated and just accept His truth for what it is?
The scriptures that say just believe, are they wrong too then? Did God LIE in His Holy Word? Are all the souls that believed and died before being baptised go straight to hell? Or is God holding to a double standard and changing the rules for some and not for others?
Jesus was baptised BEFORE he died. As a show of faith as an example. Was he needing to do that before he died then because his death and resurrection wouldn't be enough? Careful here, your bordering on heresy.
There is no in-between. There is no grey area. it's a simple yes or no.
Either Jesus saves, or Jesus was not enough because we need baptism to save us. NO In Between.
BOOM I just broke it down for you. Mic Drop. I'm out.
2.22.2018
Let's Talk Depression Pt 1
Let's talk depression.
Feb 22-2018
This might sound extremely choppy and there might be a lot of rabbit trails that I go down, but it makes sense in my head as I type it lol.
Just going to touch on one small effect of this depression for today because it's been on my mind. I saw an article tonight that talked about a lady who had been sick and she mentioned she hadn't showered for nearly a week. The comments on the thread following were well, as usual, less than considerate or understanding. Some say they shower 1 to 2 times a day, others say how disgusting that is.
A week can be nothing to go without a shower or bath when in the middle of a depressive episode. When you are busy hating yourself, self care is the last thing on your list of to-do's, if you even have a list to begin with. If you're dealing with this long term, you learn ways to work around it. Some people are very good at covering it up. Not showering is just one small side effect of depression. I'm sure you've all read the articles posted, all the "Twelve ways Depression affects daily life" and such. Most people who read them are ones suffering already that can identify with most or all of the items and give a big YES to it. Let's make it personal, and I will be honest and go slightly deeper. It's not just not having a shower for a few days. It's being paralyzed, immobile. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days or weeks. In my experience, I can find myself, and I've been more aware of it lately, getting lost for long lengths of time, Literally frozen and unable to move. My mind just blanks out and my body shuts down and just won't let me. I'll lay in my bed thinking "it's 7:30 am, why am I up so early?", then I will pick up my cell phone, open face-book and I blink and it's 10 am. Then I will tell myself "I have 2 hours to have a shower and get ready before I have to leave the house.". Next thing you know it's 11:55 and I have 5 minutes to get dressed and out the door. So much for a shower. Do I do anything in all that time? Not really. I can stare at my phone or at a tv and anything I see or hear goes in one thing and out the other, I'm not really there at all. I just can't bring myself to get off my ass and do what I KNOW needs done. Some would just scoff and say that I'm just being lazy. But if you've been there you know what I mean. You make a list of 20 things that need done during the week (laundry, shopping, paying bills, cleaning house, fixing the door handle on the car, etc) and you are lucky if even one gets done. If you manage to get enough energy to do 2 or three things in one day, it's a miracle. Everything just seems like it takes sooooooo much effort and energy that you don't have. I lose track of time very easily. I make lists lately over and over and over again that just don't get done. I could have a task that needs done and three days can go by and I will forget all about it until it's something I need and I'm wondering why on earth I don't have it and I tell myself "oh right, I was supposed to do that like last week".
If you're still with me and following me say amen lol.
What I do now instead of beat myself up over it, is I learn to celebrate small accomplishments. I don't need a big party but if I can do a couple things on my list of 50 I won't feel bad. I can't, because the second I do my mind wanders and I'm lost again. I get overwhelmed easily with things not done, things I'm missing, everything negative, and I start to shut down again. And that's just a vicious cycle. Some days I have energy to do more and on those days I do my best to get as much done as possible, knowing that the next day could be a nothing day with no energy or motivation. It's literally having to take one day at a time, or one hour at a time. Schedules are important, structure is important. But with an illness, learning to be flexible can mean the world when it comes to coping daily.
Don't give up. All I know is that tomorrow might be a better (more productive) day.
Michelle
Feb 22-2018
This might sound extremely choppy and there might be a lot of rabbit trails that I go down, but it makes sense in my head as I type it lol.
Just going to touch on one small effect of this depression for today because it's been on my mind. I saw an article tonight that talked about a lady who had been sick and she mentioned she hadn't showered for nearly a week. The comments on the thread following were well, as usual, less than considerate or understanding. Some say they shower 1 to 2 times a day, others say how disgusting that is.
A week can be nothing to go without a shower or bath when in the middle of a depressive episode. When you are busy hating yourself, self care is the last thing on your list of to-do's, if you even have a list to begin with. If you're dealing with this long term, you learn ways to work around it. Some people are very good at covering it up. Not showering is just one small side effect of depression. I'm sure you've all read the articles posted, all the "Twelve ways Depression affects daily life" and such. Most people who read them are ones suffering already that can identify with most or all of the items and give a big YES to it. Let's make it personal, and I will be honest and go slightly deeper. It's not just not having a shower for a few days. It's being paralyzed, immobile. Sometimes for hours, sometimes for days or weeks. In my experience, I can find myself, and I've been more aware of it lately, getting lost for long lengths of time, Literally frozen and unable to move. My mind just blanks out and my body shuts down and just won't let me. I'll lay in my bed thinking "it's 7:30 am, why am I up so early?", then I will pick up my cell phone, open face-book and I blink and it's 10 am. Then I will tell myself "I have 2 hours to have a shower and get ready before I have to leave the house.". Next thing you know it's 11:55 and I have 5 minutes to get dressed and out the door. So much for a shower. Do I do anything in all that time? Not really. I can stare at my phone or at a tv and anything I see or hear goes in one thing and out the other, I'm not really there at all. I just can't bring myself to get off my ass and do what I KNOW needs done. Some would just scoff and say that I'm just being lazy. But if you've been there you know what I mean. You make a list of 20 things that need done during the week (laundry, shopping, paying bills, cleaning house, fixing the door handle on the car, etc) and you are lucky if even one gets done. If you manage to get enough energy to do 2 or three things in one day, it's a miracle. Everything just seems like it takes sooooooo much effort and energy that you don't have. I lose track of time very easily. I make lists lately over and over and over again that just don't get done. I could have a task that needs done and three days can go by and I will forget all about it until it's something I need and I'm wondering why on earth I don't have it and I tell myself "oh right, I was supposed to do that like last week".
If you're still with me and following me say amen lol.
What I do now instead of beat myself up over it, is I learn to celebrate small accomplishments. I don't need a big party but if I can do a couple things on my list of 50 I won't feel bad. I can't, because the second I do my mind wanders and I'm lost again. I get overwhelmed easily with things not done, things I'm missing, everything negative, and I start to shut down again. And that's just a vicious cycle. Some days I have energy to do more and on those days I do my best to get as much done as possible, knowing that the next day could be a nothing day with no energy or motivation. It's literally having to take one day at a time, or one hour at a time. Schedules are important, structure is important. But with an illness, learning to be flexible can mean the world when it comes to coping daily.
Don't give up. All I know is that tomorrow might be a better (more productive) day.
Michelle
8.16.2017
 |
| This is a pretty accurate depiction of my thought process LOL |
The reason I write here more than other places, like facebook, or at least USED to, is because hey my personal face-book is mine right? I can say what I want when I want? Yet, when I do vent or say something, I'm told I'm just too negative, or I lose friends because no-one wants to read what I write, and I get treated like either a leper or people talk behind my back and throw hate around because they can't tell me to my face how they feel yet somehow everything is my fault. Our facebooks don't belong to us, don't try to kid yourself. They belong to Zuckerberg and to the people on your friends list and the people and companies that pay for advertising.
I liked the days of Yahoo 360. I miss the community. I wrote a lot back then, and it was fun. It was kind of like face-book but without the competition and most of the drama. It was more personal too. Not like now being hounded thousands of times a day by random companies pushing product or pretend friends that add you just to peddle their makeup or healthy whatever line or their latest get rich quick scheme or cleaning products. It's like having the vacuum salesperson AND the JWs at your door 24/7. Facebook was supposed to have been meant for people to be able to connect that otherwise might not be able to, like friends and family that live long distances apart or people that just can't get out often to meet up with other people. Now it's nothing but advertisements and anything that can waste time. I mean really, who gets up in the morning and says to themselves "Today I am going to watch exactly 248 cat videos and laugh at 163 memes and hit like 427 times for things that mean absolutely nothing to me in my personal life, then I'm going to post at least half a dozen selfies so at least one of them gets likes and makes me feel good about myself today"? Next thing you know 3 hours is gone and your butt is asleep from sitting too long in one spot when all you intended was to log into your messages to ask one person about something. But I got kinda off topic lol. I'm talking about me writing blogs as opposed to face-book. Social media is not social at all. It's all about getting attention, or so it is starting to seem to me. And let's not even start on the so called "debates" or "discussions", that's another whole ball game. No-one in those groups actually wants to learn. No-one ever actually gets anywhere except angry and more confused than when they started. Those that ask questions, don't really want answers. They just want you to agree with them and confirm what they think as though the more people that agree the more right or true it is.
I keep telling myself when I get my head just a little bit clearer I will be able able to get my thoughts together enough to write again. But it never seems to happen. Just when I think I have a clear thought, my mind clouds over and I can't think straight. It's actually really annoying and frustrating. And it just makes me feel worse. If I had an actual topic to focus on this would be easier. But I can barely think of any words never mind stay focused on a specific topic. Right now I am trying to type this and I keep going slydexic and mixing all the letters up (and no that wasn't a typo, that is how I personalize my saying of dyslexic lol).
Sometimes I will post that I am depressed, or have a rant on my status, or post pictures or articles or whatever about how I feel. No, I'm not looking for attention. No I'm not looking for pity. The last thing I find useful is for someone to feel sorry for me. A rant is just that. A rant. Venting a few thoughts because holding it in is sometimes just too much to bear. And I say honestly how I feel and what I am going through. I learned a long time ago not to give too much weight into how others take what I say personally. For one, 99.9% of people won't bother to tell me how they feel if they are upset or offended or worried or anything. They just assume that I am psychic and read minds and just know through touching the computer screen and I'm expected to cater to that. When I don't they get angry. They either lash out at me or they lash out behind my back to other people, spreading rumours and gossip. Then it falls on me to take fault and be responsible for whatever happens. I'm tired of it.
Hey, if you have something to say to me, and you can't be bothered to tell me to my face, then it's officially not my concern.
Here's some reasons why I write.
1- Because it is easier for me to express how I feel and what I think. When I did you-tube videos, some of my videos were scripted beforehand, and I just read them and added in as I went. I got a lot of hate for this too, but I didn't care. I said what I wanted to say however I could. I used to write poems and songs but not for a long time. Before I stopped writing I was actually pretty good at explaining things and articulating how I felt.
2- Because no-one can interrupt me.
Seriously it is an issue. Most times I am convinced I have a tattoo on my forehead that says "abuse me".
Everything I try to say gets either ignored or I get talked over or yelled at. It seems to be a growing trend that to make yourself heard and to prove you are right you have to be pushy and overbearing and just plain louder than everyone else. No-one can stop me writing what I want lol. That means sometimes I can actually look forward to being able to complete a tought or sentence without being interrupted and told that I'm wrong or that I should shut up or that I'm stupid or any number of things I am usually told or made to feel.
3- Because once I am able to write down one thought, i can just turn my brain off and keep going and can say much more than if I was actually talking. It's like I go on auto pilot and don't stop til I'm done, then I actually go back and read it and I'm like "wow, where did that come from" lol
In this reason it is also a source of relief. Because my brain feels so messed up most of the time and I can't think straight and I spend sooooo much energy trying to get one thought straight and I get frustrated and angry and even more confused, writing allows me to just have a break from the constant gear grinding that goes on, if that makes any sense. This is actually one of my favorite reasons to write or do any number of the things I do (or have done).
Sometimes I don't mind rambling. I tell myself there are way worse things I could be doing with my time and that even if no-one understands a word I say it's not about them or for them really anyways. It's for me, it's my own form of therapy. So as mixed up as my rants and ramblings might seem to you, trust me, what's going on inside of my head that DOESN'T get put out there, is a heck of a lot worse and messy, believe me.
Sometimes I think "Hey, I've had a TON of stuff go on in my life, I should write a book" lol. But reality says who would care. Usually, just when i think maybe I have something useful to offer, life slaps me in the face and says uhhhhhNOPE.
So believe it or not, I actually DID have a reason for writing about writing tonight and I lost my train of thought and forgot it. So now I wrote a whole bunch of nothing with no rhyme or reason, welcome to my life.
So, anyways, I guess I'mma just end it there for now.
6.19.2017
Father's Day Frustrations
Just a few random thoughts about Father's day weekend. I admit I am bitter and resentful. I know there is probably a boatload of unresolved anger that I need to swim through and work on. But for right now I am just staying in the boat to avoid drowning.
Most holidays are always difficult for me. This one hurts double time. For my daughter, who knows her dad and whose dad has chosen to pretty much reject her, it kills me to see the pain he puts her through. And especially this year, her high school graduation being this past week, and his decision to not only just not show up, but to avoid even answering her message and her having to find out third party that he wasn't coming. He didn't even have the guts to tell her, his mother told her, her grandma. I've told her for years, nothing I or anyone else says to him will get through to him. She needs to tell him. She needs to get mad at him. But she won't. She harbors bitterness and resentment and she loves and wants her dad in her life so much that she is willing to tolerate almost anything to have the chance to have him there, and he still rejects her and it breaks my heart to see and hear. It makes e so angry and I want to just lay him out for it, but there is nothing I can do or say and that kills me.
To be brutally honest, it makes me wonder sometimes, if maybe she would have just been better off not even knowing her dad. Like me. I don't know who my father is. I probably never will at this point. It's a double edged sword, though. It hurts that I don't have him, yet its a relief knowing that if I don't I'm at least spared going through what I have watched my daughter go through with my ex.
13 years of school. From kindergarten to grade 12 grad. From sports games to spring concerts, to hospital visits, to birthdays and milestones, I have been there for almost every single one. He has not bothered to make it to even one. Not even when she lived in the same city. But me moving to Calgary with her, that was the ultimate betrayal, according to him. He would say things like "how far away do I have to move before I don't have to pay child support", and "I'll just quit my job and not work then I don't have to pay". He told her she could ask for anything in the world and he would give it to her, yet when she dared ONE time to ask for a small donation to help her add to her fund to get her to her youth group missions trip, she was told "I don't give to charity cases", and that I as her mother would probably just take it and spend it on myself anyways. Who DOES these things? Who does these things to a child, much less their own? And that's just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more I could describe. But you get the picture. Yet he thinks he is still the father of the year, and his family applauds and supports him. He rejected his own daughter for a girlfriend and her 2 kids, someone who used to be my best friend who turned completely on me and rejected her own husband and denied him his kids so that she could get together with my girls dad. Yet somehow I am the bad one.
How do I make sense of all this mess with the fact that I am supposed to forgive him, and her, for all the pain they have and continue to cause for me and my daughter? How am I supposed to turn the other cheek? Just when I don't think I can be any more broken, it happens yet again.
The most common phrase that is heard in christian circles today that is candidly tossed at people like me is Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.". Of course, it was even in todays message at my church. Maybe its just me, but it makes me cringe. It just seems so cliche and trite to say. I wonder if anyone who throws that out even understands the weight of what they are saying or who they are saying it to. I have tried to lean on this verse in the past. Maybe it's just the way its so lightly passed off, who knows.But it really brings me no comfort. In fact it just irritates me right now.
It's very difficult to attach this personally when to be truthful, I don't even know what a father is. Saying God is a father to the fatherless, when I consider my foster families and the foster dads I have had, makes it seem distant. Like yeah, he takes care of me, out of pity, for a temporary time, until it's too hard or until something better or more worthwhile his time comes along. Don't get me wrong, I have two foster dads who have done alot for me and I love them dearly, and they have accepted me as family and have always treated Kristen as their own. But for me, it just doesn't feel right, or real, and no, I don't know why that is, it just is.
You can say all the right things to someone and have it go in one ear and out the next. Not because they don't hear you or because they don't care. But because when you have lived your entire life being rejected by your earthly father, how much more difficult is it to trust in one you cannot see or hear? It's like imaginary, almost non existent, like my own real father. Like, I know he existed at one point because if he hadn't I wouldn't be here but there is nothing tangible to tell me that, it's hard to explain.
So that's my thoughts about fathers. Confused, angry, bitter, and struggling to accept and understand. I don't know if anyone can ever relate. or if anyone can understand, but that's ok, it's just me and I needed to vent this today of all days.
As for my daughter. I will always be there to pick up the pieces, and hold her. Because I know what its like, and I also know very few ever will understand. She might not see this right now, but maybe sometime in the future she will get it.
IN church today we also sang about God always being there for us. Never letting us go. ANd as bitter as I am, I will still fight to lean on this because even though I don't believe it sometimes, when I am honest and look back, it is true, I can say that even in my darkest times when I felt the farthest I could ever possibly feel from God, He has always been there. One song said He is in the waiting. I must look up the song because that one line really got me. I am so grateful that my God is so patient. ANd graceful. And that He never leaves me even when I feel like I've never been more alone. That is what I hold onto, with all I have. Because through all my family and friends who have left me, and when people like my girls dad just up and leaves her without so much as a word, just like all she ever wanted was to have her daddy there in her most important moment, all I want is to know that he is there for me, for us. And somehow, at some point, I might even begin to believe it, and then I will be able to rest in that, and to just breathe....
Most holidays are always difficult for me. This one hurts double time. For my daughter, who knows her dad and whose dad has chosen to pretty much reject her, it kills me to see the pain he puts her through. And especially this year, her high school graduation being this past week, and his decision to not only just not show up, but to avoid even answering her message and her having to find out third party that he wasn't coming. He didn't even have the guts to tell her, his mother told her, her grandma. I've told her for years, nothing I or anyone else says to him will get through to him. She needs to tell him. She needs to get mad at him. But she won't. She harbors bitterness and resentment and she loves and wants her dad in her life so much that she is willing to tolerate almost anything to have the chance to have him there, and he still rejects her and it breaks my heart to see and hear. It makes e so angry and I want to just lay him out for it, but there is nothing I can do or say and that kills me.
To be brutally honest, it makes me wonder sometimes, if maybe she would have just been better off not even knowing her dad. Like me. I don't know who my father is. I probably never will at this point. It's a double edged sword, though. It hurts that I don't have him, yet its a relief knowing that if I don't I'm at least spared going through what I have watched my daughter go through with my ex.
13 years of school. From kindergarten to grade 12 grad. From sports games to spring concerts, to hospital visits, to birthdays and milestones, I have been there for almost every single one. He has not bothered to make it to even one. Not even when she lived in the same city. But me moving to Calgary with her, that was the ultimate betrayal, according to him. He would say things like "how far away do I have to move before I don't have to pay child support", and "I'll just quit my job and not work then I don't have to pay". He told her she could ask for anything in the world and he would give it to her, yet when she dared ONE time to ask for a small donation to help her add to her fund to get her to her youth group missions trip, she was told "I don't give to charity cases", and that I as her mother would probably just take it and spend it on myself anyways. Who DOES these things? Who does these things to a child, much less their own? And that's just the tip of the iceberg, there is so much more I could describe. But you get the picture. Yet he thinks he is still the father of the year, and his family applauds and supports him. He rejected his own daughter for a girlfriend and her 2 kids, someone who used to be my best friend who turned completely on me and rejected her own husband and denied him his kids so that she could get together with my girls dad. Yet somehow I am the bad one.
How do I make sense of all this mess with the fact that I am supposed to forgive him, and her, for all the pain they have and continue to cause for me and my daughter? How am I supposed to turn the other cheek? Just when I don't think I can be any more broken, it happens yet again.
The most common phrase that is heard in christian circles today that is candidly tossed at people like me is Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling.". Of course, it was even in todays message at my church. Maybe its just me, but it makes me cringe. It just seems so cliche and trite to say. I wonder if anyone who throws that out even understands the weight of what they are saying or who they are saying it to. I have tried to lean on this verse in the past. Maybe it's just the way its so lightly passed off, who knows.But it really brings me no comfort. In fact it just irritates me right now.
It's very difficult to attach this personally when to be truthful, I don't even know what a father is. Saying God is a father to the fatherless, when I consider my foster families and the foster dads I have had, makes it seem distant. Like yeah, he takes care of me, out of pity, for a temporary time, until it's too hard or until something better or more worthwhile his time comes along. Don't get me wrong, I have two foster dads who have done alot for me and I love them dearly, and they have accepted me as family and have always treated Kristen as their own. But for me, it just doesn't feel right, or real, and no, I don't know why that is, it just is.
You can say all the right things to someone and have it go in one ear and out the next. Not because they don't hear you or because they don't care. But because when you have lived your entire life being rejected by your earthly father, how much more difficult is it to trust in one you cannot see or hear? It's like imaginary, almost non existent, like my own real father. Like, I know he existed at one point because if he hadn't I wouldn't be here but there is nothing tangible to tell me that, it's hard to explain.
So that's my thoughts about fathers. Confused, angry, bitter, and struggling to accept and understand. I don't know if anyone can ever relate. or if anyone can understand, but that's ok, it's just me and I needed to vent this today of all days.
As for my daughter. I will always be there to pick up the pieces, and hold her. Because I know what its like, and I also know very few ever will understand. She might not see this right now, but maybe sometime in the future she will get it.
IN church today we also sang about God always being there for us. Never letting us go. ANd as bitter as I am, I will still fight to lean on this because even though I don't believe it sometimes, when I am honest and look back, it is true, I can say that even in my darkest times when I felt the farthest I could ever possibly feel from God, He has always been there. One song said He is in the waiting. I must look up the song because that one line really got me. I am so grateful that my God is so patient. ANd graceful. And that He never leaves me even when I feel like I've never been more alone. That is what I hold onto, with all I have. Because through all my family and friends who have left me, and when people like my girls dad just up and leaves her without so much as a word, just like all she ever wanted was to have her daddy there in her most important moment, all I want is to know that he is there for me, for us. And somehow, at some point, I might even begin to believe it, and then I will be able to rest in that, and to just breathe....
6.17.2017
Trashed Trust
June 17, 12pm
Maybe it's age, maybe it's just me. But I reached the end of my patience for people I cannot trust after this last incident. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I love to take pictures. And I love to share pictures. On social media, I share through facebook, instagram, and twitter occasionally. I put pictures within my blogs and have made videos and vlogs from photos. I share them because they mean something to me personally. I take pride and enjoyment in them and in sharing my life and adventures with others. I have only one request and that is that people do not take my photos and use them for their own or claim them as their own. To me it seems like a simple request, one that shouldn't be too hard to understand or comply with. Is it really that difficult to respect other people's property? I am aware that being behind a machine, having that anonymity, causes many people to act out and speak in ways that they wouldn't normally. Would you walk into my home and take a portrait off my wall and walk out and go hang it in your home as yours? Would you sell it or give it away to other people? If I was to come do the same in your home, with a portrait of your underage child, would you shrug your shoulders and say "oh well"? Would you be angry? Why is it ok to do these things online, without having or even bothering to ask permission, to just take what you see? Just as there are laws regarding personal property within my home, there are laws regarding personal property online. This isn't just a legal issue it is a moral one. If I saw you come into my home and take something and I stopped you walking out would you push me aside and walk out anyways? What if I did it to you?
I'm having a lot of trouble these days understanding people's mindsets and thinking, the way they justify treating others with no respect and no dignity. When it comes to the internet, it appears that people have absolutely NO regard or respect for others privacy, safety, or their feelings.
This week, I posted my daughters grad pics. I was proud of her accomplishment and wanted to share that with friends and family. So I posted an album of her grad proofs that had arrived in the mail that day. All 32 proofs. My cousin, who I barely talk to, went and took at least a dozen of them and put them on her page as her own. She did not ask, she did not tell me, she did not tag me in them. Instead, she tagged someone else completely in them. Someone who has a shady history of being well, a perv. She did not ask my underage child or tell her either or tag her. She just took them and used them as she wanted. When I asked her politely many times to remove them, she refused. She told me to F*** off that she will do what she wants. When I asked other family to kindly ask her because she wasn't listening to me, I got the same response. Hateful hurtful things, accusations, insults, and attacks. For asking for someone to respect a childs privacy. Is this what the internet does to people? Brings out all their worst qualities? Not that they were nice to begin with but hiding behind a computer or cell phone lets them think they can do and speak however they want and that they will rarely if ever face consequences. They seem to take pride in their ability to attack others without regard to how it hurts or affects others. Are people really that cold-hearted?
This isn't the first time this has happened. It's happened many times now. And I no longer have family or friends I can trust because of it. I no longer am able to share my life, my enjoyments, my accomplishments, my adventures with them. Because whether it is photos or statuses or videos, or stories or poems or well, anything, it is stolen from me and used without my permission. I'm so tired of being taken advantage of and used. I am sick and tired of being treated as though I don't matter and like I am just garbage to be taken from and thrown aside. I have never been able to have anything that is truly my own because sooner or later it ALWAYS gets taken away from me. And those who tell me I have no right to be upset about it, screw you. I am PISSED. I have every right to be. I deserve to be respected and have mine and my daughters privacy and safety respected. I have done everything within my power to protect her. And I don't care if she is 17 or 71, she will always deserve that. online or offline, I always have and always will, do whatever it takes to do what I can for her and myself. And I don't give a rip who likes it or agrees with it or not. I have faced everything that's been thrown at me and come out swinging. There is NOTHING anyone can do that I haven't already faced.
So I deactivated my facebook and made a new one, I removed all personal photos off instagram, and no one will be trusted again. Not even in the slightest. Every effort I have made to even be friends with people has been rejected or passed over, so I will no longer make the effort. I've been invisible to most people anyways, no one will care if I disappear. So I will. If I am going to be alone. If I am going to have be be as lonely as I have been for all my hard work and efforts, I'm going to just be lonely without making any more effort.
I'm just tired. All my biological family has ever done is hate me and treat me with disgust and bitterness and jealousy. I might be a christian but that doesn't mean I am someone to be walked all over and crapped on. Turning the other cheek should never mean it is ok to abuse someone you claim to love. And my whole life has been filled with abuse, whether it be verbal, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional. I am done. Done with everyone, and done with this pathetic life and the pathetic people in it. I will live for no one but myself and my daughter. And if that means I die alone at least I will die alone knowing I made every effort on my own. It's time I live for me. And if others can't give me what I deserve they don't deserve to even be in my life at all. I'm better off without all of you.
So if I cease to exist for you, know this is why. And I don't feel guilty one bit. Forget you, and the horse you all rode in on.
Maybe it's age, maybe it's just me. But I reached the end of my patience for people I cannot trust after this last incident. If you know me even a little bit, you know that I love to take pictures. And I love to share pictures. On social media, I share through facebook, instagram, and twitter occasionally. I put pictures within my blogs and have made videos and vlogs from photos. I share them because they mean something to me personally. I take pride and enjoyment in them and in sharing my life and adventures with others. I have only one request and that is that people do not take my photos and use them for their own or claim them as their own. To me it seems like a simple request, one that shouldn't be too hard to understand or comply with. Is it really that difficult to respect other people's property? I am aware that being behind a machine, having that anonymity, causes many people to act out and speak in ways that they wouldn't normally. Would you walk into my home and take a portrait off my wall and walk out and go hang it in your home as yours? Would you sell it or give it away to other people? If I was to come do the same in your home, with a portrait of your underage child, would you shrug your shoulders and say "oh well"? Would you be angry? Why is it ok to do these things online, without having or even bothering to ask permission, to just take what you see? Just as there are laws regarding personal property within my home, there are laws regarding personal property online. This isn't just a legal issue it is a moral one. If I saw you come into my home and take something and I stopped you walking out would you push me aside and walk out anyways? What if I did it to you?
I'm having a lot of trouble these days understanding people's mindsets and thinking, the way they justify treating others with no respect and no dignity. When it comes to the internet, it appears that people have absolutely NO regard or respect for others privacy, safety, or their feelings.
This week, I posted my daughters grad pics. I was proud of her accomplishment and wanted to share that with friends and family. So I posted an album of her grad proofs that had arrived in the mail that day. All 32 proofs. My cousin, who I barely talk to, went and took at least a dozen of them and put them on her page as her own. She did not ask, she did not tell me, she did not tag me in them. Instead, she tagged someone else completely in them. Someone who has a shady history of being well, a perv. She did not ask my underage child or tell her either or tag her. She just took them and used them as she wanted. When I asked her politely many times to remove them, she refused. She told me to F*** off that she will do what she wants. When I asked other family to kindly ask her because she wasn't listening to me, I got the same response. Hateful hurtful things, accusations, insults, and attacks. For asking for someone to respect a childs privacy. Is this what the internet does to people? Brings out all their worst qualities? Not that they were nice to begin with but hiding behind a computer or cell phone lets them think they can do and speak however they want and that they will rarely if ever face consequences. They seem to take pride in their ability to attack others without regard to how it hurts or affects others. Are people really that cold-hearted?
This isn't the first time this has happened. It's happened many times now. And I no longer have family or friends I can trust because of it. I no longer am able to share my life, my enjoyments, my accomplishments, my adventures with them. Because whether it is photos or statuses or videos, or stories or poems or well, anything, it is stolen from me and used without my permission. I'm so tired of being taken advantage of and used. I am sick and tired of being treated as though I don't matter and like I am just garbage to be taken from and thrown aside. I have never been able to have anything that is truly my own because sooner or later it ALWAYS gets taken away from me. And those who tell me I have no right to be upset about it, screw you. I am PISSED. I have every right to be. I deserve to be respected and have mine and my daughters privacy and safety respected. I have done everything within my power to protect her. And I don't care if she is 17 or 71, she will always deserve that. online or offline, I always have and always will, do whatever it takes to do what I can for her and myself. And I don't give a rip who likes it or agrees with it or not. I have faced everything that's been thrown at me and come out swinging. There is NOTHING anyone can do that I haven't already faced.
So I deactivated my facebook and made a new one, I removed all personal photos off instagram, and no one will be trusted again. Not even in the slightest. Every effort I have made to even be friends with people has been rejected or passed over, so I will no longer make the effort. I've been invisible to most people anyways, no one will care if I disappear. So I will. If I am going to be alone. If I am going to have be be as lonely as I have been for all my hard work and efforts, I'm going to just be lonely without making any more effort.
I'm just tired. All my biological family has ever done is hate me and treat me with disgust and bitterness and jealousy. I might be a christian but that doesn't mean I am someone to be walked all over and crapped on. Turning the other cheek should never mean it is ok to abuse someone you claim to love. And my whole life has been filled with abuse, whether it be verbal, physical, sexual, mental, and emotional. I am done. Done with everyone, and done with this pathetic life and the pathetic people in it. I will live for no one but myself and my daughter. And if that means I die alone at least I will die alone knowing I made every effort on my own. It's time I live for me. And if others can't give me what I deserve they don't deserve to even be in my life at all. I'm better off without all of you.
So if I cease to exist for you, know this is why. And I don't feel guilty one bit. Forget you, and the horse you all rode in on.
6.04.2017
My Samsung Health App....
Hi! Start walking with friends using Together from Samsung Health. It makes walking much more fun. http://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.sec.android.app.shealth
4.03.2017
Why do you believe what you do?
2 Tim 2:15 says study to show thyself approved. Matthew Henry's commentary had this to say... "Observe, The care of ministers must be to approve themselves unto God, to be accepted of him, and to show that they are so approved unto God. In order thereunto, there must be constant care and industry: Study to show thyself such a one, a workman that needs not be ashamed. Ministers must be workmen; they have work to do, and they must take pains in it. Workmen that are unskillful, or unfaithful, or lazy, have need to be ashamed; but those who mind their business, and keep to their work, are workmen that need not be ashamed. And what is their work? It is rightly to divide the word of truth. Not to invent a new gospel, but rightly to divide the gospel that is committed to their trust. To speak terror to those to whom terror belongs, comfort to whom comfort; to give every one his portion in due season, Mt. 24:45 . Observe here, 1. The word which ministers preach is the word of truth, for the author of it is the God of truth. 2. It requires great wisdom, study, and care, to divide this word of truth rightly; Timothy must study in order to do this well.II. He must take heed of that which would be a hindrance to him in his work".
This is why we tell people, you have TWO ears and ONE mouth, use it accordingly. Listen twice, speak once. Listen before you speak. Do not make claims you cannot scripturally backup. Lesson 1 in online theological debates, and well, any comments or statements anyone wants to make, really.
I ran across someone who had claimed to switched from a baptist church to being strictly catholic. She got irate when asked to provide biblical proof for her claims, and when her twisted scriptures were denied because they were not even in context or applicable, she tried changing the subject to make even more outrageous claims without supporting those either. When called out on it she became right upset and accused me of being heretical, and of attacking her. Then she decided to twist what I told her and tried throwing it back at me. Why is it so hard for people to under stand that if you are going to make a claim, that you should at least know what you are talking about before you attempt to claim it as truth? So many people are blindly following what a church teaches them without even checking for themselves to see if it is true, biblically.
The whole conversation just kind opened my eyes again and reminded me of the importance of being vigilant with our faith. Too many people are tossed about on the winds because they just go with whatever they are told. And when asked to use scriptural reference, this too, is biblical. Don't just go looking for a scripture that supports your belief. Use context. And as much as it hurts, if contextual scripture does not line up with what you have been led to believe then the one who is wrong is YOU, not scripture. You need to change what you believe even if it hurts.
We do not make God in our image. We don't get to decide what parts of scripture to believe or apply to us today. We don't get to change scripture to support our lifestyle or our faith. We don't get to use scripture or God, for that matter, for our benefit. We are HIS creation, He is not ours. We serve Him, He does not serve us. How disrespectful is ti to assume otherwise and to ignore giving Him the honour and glory that is due Him?
I don't say these things for others benefits. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do. I say these things because it was my personal life lesson that I am sharing with you and because I strongly believe this is gospel truth. I'm blown away at how easily we as human beings can be misled for so long. And at how extremely difficult it can be to even recognize these bonds, much less break their hold. But it's not what God would want. He doesn't intend for us to be trapped. And that's what religion does, is trap people. Into thinking there is something in our power to prove ourselves to God. Something we can do or say to impress God. Something we can have or be as people to make Him love us more.
Its a hard lesson to learn, that there is absolutely NOTHING we can do to change how God sees us or feels about us. Sure, we say it. But it took me a long time and a hard time to realize that this is actually true. And oh how freeing it is, to know truth! To really know it, in your heart, not just in your head because it is words that you've been repeatedly told. I've had a tendancy in the past to believe things upon being told, I was naive and trusting of anyone who said they were a christian. It's an easy pattern to fall into. We tend to do things just because we are told "that's the way it's done". But noone can really explain WHY its always been done that way it just has.
The topic we were discussing was someone asked if unbaptised people especially kids should take communion. There are many views on this and many reasons for the views. Mostly it was because their church had told them or taught them that their tradition was the right one. But when asked for biblical validation, they could not provide it. When asked where did they get such a strong belief from, they reply "MY church teaches this", or "Because its biblical, my pastor/priest/minister told me so."
When asked what the actual scriptures were that supported that belief, they had no answer. They believed without checking it themselves. This to me is very dangerous. I'd been led astray many times for this reason. Someone came on and stated that there was no actual scripture that said baptism was necessary but that for some reason, this is what the christian church teaches, that it is necessary or required. And so many fall into this false gospel as it were. Believing just because the church says so and not even bothering to verify it themselves. Even scripture tells us to check for ourselves! How could we miss this? Because we are trying too hard to make God in our image. To make our faith all about us and not about Him who is the author and perfecter of our faith. The reason we have faith to begin with! Anyways, the whole point is, no matter what church you attend. No matter what denomination you belong to. A quote from Gotquestions.org says this "There will be times in our walk with God that we will act purely on faith because we do not have the whole picture, as in the case of Abraham. However this faith is not blind; it is based on knowledge of God’s nature and character, His promises in the Scriptures, and our personal experience walking with God every day.". I love my pastors. I love what they teach. And I tend to agree with all of it. But not because they say it. Not because they claim it is right or true. But because scripture supports it, and because that which is neither supported or unsupported by scripture, relies on our personal relationship with God and not on anyone elses or what anyone else says about it. Habits are hard to break. Chains that bind are harder. Don't be a sheeple. Question everything and trust only God and His word, the rest seems to sort itself out. God Bless!
When asked what the actual scriptures were that supported that belief, they had no answer. They believed without checking it themselves. This to me is very dangerous. I'd been led astray many times for this reason. Someone came on and stated that there was no actual scripture that said baptism was necessary but that for some reason, this is what the christian church teaches, that it is necessary or required. And so many fall into this false gospel as it were. Believing just because the church says so and not even bothering to verify it themselves. Even scripture tells us to check for ourselves! How could we miss this? Because we are trying too hard to make God in our image. To make our faith all about us and not about Him who is the author and perfecter of our faith. The reason we have faith to begin with! Anyways, the whole point is, no matter what church you attend. No matter what denomination you belong to. A quote from Gotquestions.org says this "There will be times in our walk with God that we will act purely on faith because we do not have the whole picture, as in the case of Abraham. However this faith is not blind; it is based on knowledge of God’s nature and character, His promises in the Scriptures, and our personal experience walking with God every day.". I love my pastors. I love what they teach. And I tend to agree with all of it. But not because they say it. Not because they claim it is right or true. But because scripture supports it, and because that which is neither supported or unsupported by scripture, relies on our personal relationship with God and not on anyone elses or what anyone else says about it. Habits are hard to break. Chains that bind are harder. Don't be a sheeple. Question everything and trust only God and His word, the rest seems to sort itself out. God Bless!
3.09.2017
The City of Calgary - Fair Entry - Programs and services for low income Calgarians
http://www.calgary.ca/CSPS/CNS/Pages/Neighbourhood-Services/Programs-and-services-for-low-income-calgarians.aspx
Sent from my Samsung Galaxy smartphone.
10.09.2016
Day 4... Oops
Day 4 on day 9. But I'm still here! Todays topic, context. I hear alot of people that will use a verse to support their view whether it is correct or not, and it grates on me when it is used so far out of context that it doesn't even make sense or apply to the subject at hand. We all know the most famous one, "judge not, lest ye be judged." To clarify, the actual verse is found in Matthew 7:1, and it must be read along with the following 2 verses. Matthew 7:1-3 says “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"
The point here is righteous judgement. John 7:24 says "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” And as christians we are to be held accountable to one another, so we judge those inside the church body but we cannot condemn. To condemn is to lay out punishment. THAT is God's territory. Deuteronomy 32:35 "Vengeance is mine, and recompense, for the time when their foot shall slip; for the day of their calamity is at hand, and their doom comes swiftly."
We need to be careful that what we say lines up with God's word or people will be deceived.
But the new favorite verse for people to misuse is 1 Samuel 15:23. I had to block a local pastor recently for going off on me when I asked him to biblically answer for his misrepresentation of this verse. First he claimed that bitterness is deception and that rebellion is witchcraft. When confronted with context he changed his tune and backtracked then insulted me and refused to answer my questions. The New living translation says it pretty well without misunderstanding or at least we hope. "We need to be careful that what we say lines up with God's word or people will be deceived. But the new favorite verse for people to misuse is 1 Samuel 15:23. I had to block a local pastor recently for going off on me when I asked him to biblically answer for his misrepresentation of this verse. First he claimed that bitterness is deception and that rebellion is witchcraft. When confronted with context he changed his tune and backtracked then insulted me and refused to answer my questions. The New living translation says it pretty well without misunderstanding or at least we hope. "We need to be careful that what we say lines up with God's word or people will be deceived. But the new favorite verse for people to misuse is 1 Samuel 15:23. I had to block a local pastor recently for going off on me when I asked him to biblically answer for his misrepresentation of this verse. First he claimed that bitterness is deception and that rebellion is witchcraft. When confronted with context he changed his tune and backtracked then insulted me and refused to answer my questions. The New living translation says it pretty well without misunderstanding or at least we hope. "We need to be careful that what we say lines up with God's word or people will be deceived. But the new favorite verse for people to misuse is 1 Samuel 15:23. I had to block a local pastor recently for going off on me when I asked him to biblically answer for his misrepresentation of this verse. First he claimed that bitterness is deception and that rebellion is witchcraft. When confronted with context he changed his tune and backtracked then insulted me and refused to answer my questions. The New living translation says it pretty well without misunderstanding or at least we hope. "
We need to be careful that what we say lines up with God's word or people will be deceived. But the new favorite verse for people to misuse is 1 Samuel 15:23. I had to block a local pastor recently for going off on me when I asked him to biblically answer for his misrepresentation of this verse. First he claimed that bitterness is deception and that rebellion is witchcraft. When confronted with context he changed his tune and backtracked then insulted me and refused to answer my questions. The New living translation says it pretty well without misunderstanding or at least we hope. "Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft, and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols. So because you have rejected the command of the LORD, he has rejected you as king.". Meaning, they are equally sinful, not they are the same sin. No wonder people get confused and reject the scriptures, because people that are in the position to teach are doing so wrongfully and deliberately ignoring any biblical correction. People, if you are going to quote scripture, please make sure you know what you are saying. That pastor is responsible for leading many people in this city wrongly, and this is how false prophets are born. Leaders like these are accountable to God for those they lead astray. Does scripture not say to study to show yourself approved? I myself would never wish to use scripture if it was in any way self serving or misused so as to mislead others or myself.
10.06.2016
Day 3...Distracted
It's the 6th of the month and I am just sitting down to write a third entry. This doesn't look good, I am already behind after starting late. But I'm still here. I've been somewhat distracted. I meant to sit down earlier but my girl had her friends over and between teenagers playing rock band full blast and other chores, I haven't been able to think straight much less form complete sentences and write comprehensibly lol. I showed up to bible study this morning thinking today we met in the morning instead of our usual afternoon. Even though I was told more than once that next week is the week we meet in the morning and I have the dates in an email. I could read it three times in a row and still forget what day and what time. Fortunately I didn't go ring the doorbell upon arriving and seeing no one there I sat for a minute or 2 before I realized my mistake. Well, that was not as embarrassing as it could have been. Last night I was frustrated trying to get to the other bible study, the world seemed to conspire against me to get me to not be able to go. I was blocked in by a homeless guys cart in the middle of the road when he was across the complex picking garbage. A driver cut me off, my maps wouldn't work so I had no idea where to go, the line at Tim's was a mile long and the rattle on the car would not leave me alone for 3 seconds, and I was cut off again by another driver. And my sister wanted to text and chat, she was in the hospital again. It was after I pulled over in a store parking lot to try to take a minute to vent and calm down that I finally realized that I didn't even have bible study that night, or the week after. All that frustration for nothing. Or was God trying to tell me something, maybe, but I probably wasn't listening anyways.Ironically enough, our study Thursdays is on the Holy Spirit and today we were talking about how to recognize Him.Distractions come in so many forms. It is sooooo easy for me to get side tracked.Sometimes the devil is subtle sometimes he's outright bold. And it could be hours before I even recognize it's happening. I am working on that. My biggest downfall is technology. I get the feeling that might be my next addiction to tackle but let's just not think about that right now lol. I am learning that when I do have a moment of clarity that I have to get motivated pretty darn fast and get something done because who knows when it will pass and for how long. It might seem simple to most, but it is a challenge for me. Finding that sweet spot where I have 1- clarity of thought, 2- motivation, 3- energy and time, and 4- physical strength now that, is the ultimate challenge. This is a goal for time management. More than writing a list. Because I have hundreds of lists that never get done; they're pretty much useless. So here I am writing day 3 on day 6, and trying to think ahead but let's be honest, I will likely finish this and stare at the wall for an hour or so before I decide to go to bed and feel guilty again because I got nothing else done. This is one step forward. And as long as I don't take a step back, one step forward is progress, right?
10.03.2016
Day 2, In the News....
Ok I held back all day but I need to write about this topic. So the hot news of the entertainment circles today is Kim Kardashians robbery in Paris. Now, I'm not a Kardashian fan. I don't recall ever having seen their shows, and I am not a Kanye fan. But the reactions of people on the social pages reporting this story are out of this world insane.
Does noone have any shred of common sense anymore? Yes, she is a celebrity. Yes, she is uber rich. Yes, she is in the spotlight and she loves the attention and she has too much money for her own good and she makes stupid choices. But noone deserves to be a victim of a violent crime. Who cares how much money she has, this isn't about money. And if that is what you focus on, you have a very narrow viewpoint of the whole situation.
Some of the comments I have seen and been given include.. "Good for her", "It's about time she got a dose of real life", "she was asking for it", "she deserved everything she gets", "She should have been shot", "Kill the B***", "karma strikes", "Who cares", and "It happens every day to innocent people". Among scores of other unmentionable replies I won't repeat here.
Let me say something. It's one thing to play the victim. But it's another side of the coin to blame the victim. ESPECIALLY because of the type of person they might be. There's plenty of hate to go around for the Kardashians, I get it. But regardless of what you think of people in their personal life, noone deserves that. How cold do you have to be to wish harm on another person?
And it happens all the time so who cares? Mentioning other peoples instances is somehow going to downplay hers? She is a human being. She did not ask for it. Yet here they are saying "She shouldn't be flaunting her 5 million dollar ring on snapchat then posting where she is staying, she's just asking for it". Would you say that to a rape victim too? "she was dressed like a whore, she deserved to get raped, serves her right for flaunting herself.". Why is this any different? Because she's a celebrity? Because she is hated? Because she is rich? Because you hate everything about her or are jealous of her somehow? THINK about it, really people.
Who is anyone to decide what life is valuable and which ones aren't? Who is anyone to say who deserves what "karma"? Yes, horrible things happen all the time to many different people. And not all of them are loved and adored. But that never makes it right for them to be a target. What part of human decency has left this world that mankind would begin to think this sort of attitude is okay or acceptable? It's disgusting to see the hate people have and throw around TBH. And so many self proclaimed religious people that have this hate in them too. They have Jesus posts all over their facebook then go on a news page and say things like "kill the B***". No wonder people are confused when it comes to telling people about Jesus!
If it were you, I tell them, or your family, you would be singing a different tune that's for sure. You'd be crying bloody murder and suing the pants off the entire country of France for doing you wrong. But Kim, she's a fair target. And let's just say that Kanye, as much as HE is hated right now too, was a great support to his wife. He dropped everything in a hot second to be there for Kim. He left in the middle of a concert and travelled across the world to be there for her and he brought her home. Those complaining that she just "up and left the country", have obviously not be througha traumatizing experience where at the end of the day all you want in the world is to just go home. And all you can come up with is to shame her for not sticking around because that somehow implies her guilt? I lost confidence in humanity over this one again, deplorable.
I was going to touch on another subject but this is enough for me today lol. All I can leave you with is "There, but for the grace of God, go you..."
Does noone have any shred of common sense anymore? Yes, she is a celebrity. Yes, she is uber rich. Yes, she is in the spotlight and she loves the attention and she has too much money for her own good and she makes stupid choices. But noone deserves to be a victim of a violent crime. Who cares how much money she has, this isn't about money. And if that is what you focus on, you have a very narrow viewpoint of the whole situation.
Some of the comments I have seen and been given include.. "Good for her", "It's about time she got a dose of real life", "she was asking for it", "she deserved everything she gets", "She should have been shot", "Kill the B***", "karma strikes", "Who cares", and "It happens every day to innocent people". Among scores of other unmentionable replies I won't repeat here.
Let me say something. It's one thing to play the victim. But it's another side of the coin to blame the victim. ESPECIALLY because of the type of person they might be. There's plenty of hate to go around for the Kardashians, I get it. But regardless of what you think of people in their personal life, noone deserves that. How cold do you have to be to wish harm on another person?
And it happens all the time so who cares? Mentioning other peoples instances is somehow going to downplay hers? She is a human being. She did not ask for it. Yet here they are saying "She shouldn't be flaunting her 5 million dollar ring on snapchat then posting where she is staying, she's just asking for it". Would you say that to a rape victim too? "she was dressed like a whore, she deserved to get raped, serves her right for flaunting herself.". Why is this any different? Because she's a celebrity? Because she is hated? Because she is rich? Because you hate everything about her or are jealous of her somehow? THINK about it, really people.
Who is anyone to decide what life is valuable and which ones aren't? Who is anyone to say who deserves what "karma"? Yes, horrible things happen all the time to many different people. And not all of them are loved and adored. But that never makes it right for them to be a target. What part of human decency has left this world that mankind would begin to think this sort of attitude is okay or acceptable? It's disgusting to see the hate people have and throw around TBH. And so many self proclaimed religious people that have this hate in them too. They have Jesus posts all over their facebook then go on a news page and say things like "kill the B***". No wonder people are confused when it comes to telling people about Jesus!
If it were you, I tell them, or your family, you would be singing a different tune that's for sure. You'd be crying bloody murder and suing the pants off the entire country of France for doing you wrong. But Kim, she's a fair target. And let's just say that Kanye, as much as HE is hated right now too, was a great support to his wife. He dropped everything in a hot second to be there for Kim. He left in the middle of a concert and travelled across the world to be there for her and he brought her home. Those complaining that she just "up and left the country", have obviously not be througha traumatizing experience where at the end of the day all you want in the world is to just go home. And all you can come up with is to shame her for not sticking around because that somehow implies her guilt? I lost confidence in humanity over this one again, deplorable.
I was going to touch on another subject but this is enough for me today lol. All I can leave you with is "There, but for the grace of God, go you..."
10.02.2016
Another Chance
So today is Oct 2nd. And I am a day late starting, forgive me. I was away all day yesterday and most of today and was afraid I had missed my chance but here I am and although I might not get as much done as many I will still fight my way through to get as much done as I can this year. I have no theme or idea what I am doing but this is my outlet so I will just forge ahead and if you follow great if not, good luck on your endeavors. Feel free to leave comments and lead me to your links as well. Ok so. It was a busy weekend. Between an information meeting Friday night and then a memorial and a symposium Saturday and church today, yes, today is still Sunday whew lol. A little bit about me, I am 42 and have FASD and ADHD and depression so half the time my brain isn't working and the other half it's half working so staying in a straight line can be difficult for me but I will try lol.I guess I just keep adding the new days links to my landing page or main blog on here? I'm still trying to figure that out so that's how I will do it for now. Todays message at church was actually a great encouragement. The symposium yesterday was a meeting of christians and muslims, it was at a local mosque here in the city and the topic was salvation, discussed from both a christian and muslim viewpoint. It was interesting to hear for sure. Personally, in terms of debate I considered it rather weak. But I have to remind myself that debate wasn't really the point. The main focus was that with the forum we got the chance to get the gospel preached to some muslim people that otherwise might not have had the opportunity to hear it, and we got to do it on their grounds, in their place of worship. As far as I know it's a first for Calgary? I have talked to many people and debated many topics in various religions but youtube videos are alot different than in person. And I wasn't involved I just sat back and watched and listened and took notes. But the message this morning was given by the man that came from Toronto to give the christian representation in the symposium. And part of that was about persecution. It brought me back to my youtube days and of all the discussions and debates I have had with atheists and muslims and the reactions I recieved from various groups of people. I've been called every name in the book, and a few new ones. I've had videos made mocking me and degrading me, I've been virtually spat on and threatened, and harrassed in real life because of that. Some of the things at the time shocked me and some downright disgusted me and offended me. Looking back I can see just with a better perspective how that hate of me was not of me but of the God I spoke of, the God I brought with me. Somewhere along the line I lost my confidence and stopped doing the videos and I didn't realise just how God had been using that venue in youtube. I was surprised to see just how many people the whole thing was completely new to as well. Alot of the information given over the weekend I already knew from my youtube days and dealings, but I discovered many did not know some of these things. We tend to get caught up in our own little bubble with blinders on. We believe what we are taught and what we know is right but we have no clue as to what others really believe, only that they do not believe as us. It is important to get out of our comfort zone. I mean, we can't stay in a closet and hide and expect the message to get out there, if we don't do it how can we assume that others will? And, it's not our light to hide we are just vessels.Anyways I'm going off track. I just found it encouraging and it confirmed to me that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and it is awesome how God uses us to get His message out there in spite of ourselves.He also talked about salt and light which I found fascinating. I might share that tomorrow if I remember. But at least now I have a starting point for this year and we'll see if I make it past the 8 days of last year LOL.
9.27.2016
Welcome to 31 Days of Being Me
31 days of commitment to blogging every day. This is where I begin. I'm not a pro blogger, I have no fancy words or format. Last year I made it 8 days. This year I will do better. I'll still do random topics, I have no theme or set line to follow again. But that's ok. One foot in front of the other. Welcome to my crazy life, well, at least 31 days of it. Transparency and honesty are core here. I don't have a specific audience in mind, but for whoever lands on my pages, my prayer is that at least one of my posts will leave you inspired or thoughtful. Links will be posted for each separate article to this post so you can find them all easily right here. Feel free to comment, give advice, share your own 31 day links. I'm looking forward to sharing with you all and seeing what everyone has to offer. Thanks for following me, and enjoy. ~Chelle~
Day 1- Another Chance
Day 2 - In The News
Day 3 - Distracted
Day 4 - Oops
Day 1- Another Chance
Day 2 - In The News
Day 3 - Distracted
Day 4 - Oops
10.13.2015
Day 8: A Piece of the Puzzle
Well I am so far behind I don't think I'll ever catch up, but I will still write through the 31 days and make as many posts as I can. I was away for 4 days and have hurt my back pretty bad so sitting is very painful for me and I won't be writing much for a few more days but I did want to continue with a part of fitting in and belonging.
I was able to visit with some family this week, and learned my understanding of where my name comes from isn't the same as I remembered it or was told. Turns out, my mother was married, for less than 6 months and the man she was married to is where we got our last name. She just never changed it back legally after they split. And I was even able to put a face to the name. It makes me glad to know this small detail, it kind of means alot to me in my struggle to know my life.
And this weekend, we drove up to Edmonton so my daughter could visit with her grandma on her dad's side and see family there. I didn't make any plans, I had no idea what I was going to do really, but God worked it out. I got to see not one but three of my sisters and one of my brothers and have turkey dinner with 2 of them, so that was great. And I went out to visit more family and have thanksgiving dinner with them. What a blessing! I learned some good news and some not so good news about some family, but the most important thing for me is being able to see them, and a couple friends I haven't been able to see in such a long time.
I didn't know if I made it home driving that far, but I pushed through despite the pain and made it home safe. Now I am immobile and wondering just how to get to the doctors since I can't walk and I am scared to go alone or drive. But for now I will rest some more because sitting in this chair is too hard to bear.
I was able to visit with some family this week, and learned my understanding of where my name comes from isn't the same as I remembered it or was told. Turns out, my mother was married, for less than 6 months and the man she was married to is where we got our last name. She just never changed it back legally after they split. And I was even able to put a face to the name. It makes me glad to know this small detail, it kind of means alot to me in my struggle to know my life.
And this weekend, we drove up to Edmonton so my daughter could visit with her grandma on her dad's side and see family there. I didn't make any plans, I had no idea what I was going to do really, but God worked it out. I got to see not one but three of my sisters and one of my brothers and have turkey dinner with 2 of them, so that was great. And I went out to visit more family and have thanksgiving dinner with them. What a blessing! I learned some good news and some not so good news about some family, but the most important thing for me is being able to see them, and a couple friends I haven't been able to see in such a long time.
I didn't know if I made it home driving that far, but I pushed through despite the pain and made it home safe. Now I am immobile and wondering just how to get to the doctors since I can't walk and I am scared to go alone or drive. But for now I will rest some more because sitting in this chair is too hard to bear.
10.08.2015
Day 7: Belonging
Bear with me if I repeat myself, sometimes I have trouble getting my thoughts straightened out and I tend to say the same things over and over again lol.
So where was I? Oh yes, I missed a day and was trying to catch up, and my mind has changed on topics so many times I've lost count. So I'll do this today, because it sort of ties into community.
Being a part of something is great. At some level, everyone wants to feel like they fit in or belong, it's just in our nature.
I'll be honest, I spent a huge portion of my life feeling like I didn't fit in or belong anywhere. A bit of background to explain that. I grew up under social services, so I lived in foster homes, group homes, receiving homes, hospitals, centers, you name it. In the space of 14 years (not counting the 3 years I went back home to live with my birth mom from grade 2 to grade 5), I lived in a total of over 150 placements. A couple of them were repeats, but yes I was moved over 150 times. I lived all over Central Alberta pretty much. I did the math, it works out to an average of 34 days per placement. Some I stayed much less, some I stayed longer. The longest I was in one place was a year and a half. I have two amazing wonderful loving foster families that I have known for most of my life, and they have become as much family to me as my birth family, sometimes more-so. But I was never officially adopted. So yeah, you can just imagine it was difficult to say the least feeling like I didn't ever really belong anywhere. Sometimes I still struggle with it. My father was non existent, I never knew him. I know the man that my mother claimed to be my father, based on him being around when I was born. But with 7 kids and at least 5 different fathers that I know of, it's not a stretch to say we can't be sure he was around when I was conceived. I met him once, for all of 5 minutes when I was 18. I was living in Edmonton at the time and he had another family in Calgary. He mentioned the only way to know for sure was to get a paternity test. Back then I think it was like $500, wayyyyy too much for me to afford at the time. I was torn. As much as I felt I needed to know who I was I also didn't see the point in knowing if my father was some guy I never knew who had a whole other family in another city and didn't seem to want anything much to do with me anyways. It'd be like just another "placement". So I never got it done and I never really talked to him after that. My mom would always say "you should call your dad".... I'd just avoid that. It bothered me alot later on, feeling like I didn't know who I was, because I started thinking about my name and the fact that I don't even really know where or WHO it came from. One of my sisters fathers, my mom never married, but she just stole the name and attached it to half of us kids. So my name isn't even me at all.
And if not knowing my earthly identity has taught me one thing, it's that I am grateful for the opportunity it has given me to be completely my own person. Who I am isn't shaped by the family tree, as messed up as it is lol.
And living in sooooo many places has let me meet so many great people, that later on I find are all somehow connected and THAT is scary but that's another story for another time lol.
But the whole point of saying all this is just to say that being a part of a great community, a group of people, having something to belong to and that can make you feel like you can contribute, it's a great thing, take advantage of it, enjoy it, be blessed by it. You never know who might come along that needs a place to belong, so bless someone else by it, I know it has blessed me so far :D
10.07.2015
Day 6: F.E.A.R.
There's a saying that goes "fear has 2 meanings, either forget everything and run, or face everything and rise". I spent a long time doing the first and have been trying more lately to do the latter. I've been afraid of failure and I've been afraid of success. Neither has served any good purpose and I doubt it ever will. When we put our trust in God, we have no need to fear because we know that He has everything under control. Isaiah 41:10 says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
I was afraid to stop working because as much as I thought it was what I should do, I wasn't sure financially it was wise. At a time when many people are losing their jobs and facing crisis, here I am just quitting. I thought I must look crazy to some people lol. I mean, I had just gotten a car and insurance and house insurance, and bought new furniture, and committed to more monthly bills than I had income. And I wondered if I really knew what I was doing. Truth is, I don't. I don't have a plan yet either. But I was given two reminders that confirmed it was what I needed to do. The first was when I started to worry about money thinking I'd have to trim some things down, and I wasn't sure if I could pay for my daughter the things she wanted to do. Like her band class in school, which is after classes, and the school didn't have any instruments so they told me I'd have to rent my own. That cost 3 times what I would have paid through the school, and someone stepped in and covered the whole cost. You probably won't read this but if you do, you know who you are, and you really were an answer to prayer. My girl was ready to give up her music class because she knew it was a huge cost for me, and I felt absolutely horrible that I couldn't give that to her. Just know that your gift doesn't go unnoticed or appreciated and won't be forgotten!
The second was just a reassurance that God will take care of us, as He has always done, as He always will. I worked very hard to save what I did and that will carry us through and if the things we have planned to do is what He wants us to do then He will make it happen.
Face everything and rise. Hiding my fears makes it easier to use them as a crutch or an excuse. The best way to clean out the dirt in the corners is to shine the light there, right?
10.06.2015
Day 5: Transparency
I saw a post from one of the 31 day bloggers that said something about having a private blog, not sharing it with real life people, those they know personally, it can be embarrassing to bare yourself and know that people you know are reading your thoughts. I thought it wouldn't make a difference, but thinking about it some more, I realized she was right. I have friends that are online that I have never met, many who live across the sea, that I have never met and most likely might never get the chance to meet this side of eternity. It feels alot different with those that know and have met me personally though. We tend to keep ourselves private for fear of failure, fear of success, and fear of exposure. Exposure means vulnerability, and that means an open line to being hurt or taken advantage of. I have experienced that many times, with friends who have taken what I've shared with them and using it against me, betrayed me, and caused me to lose people in my life I care about and love. That can be a huge hindrance to being open and sharing.
I know I am not alone in that, it is an age old thing. Psalms 56:2-4 says "
I know I am not alone in that, it is an age old thing. Psalms 56:2-4 says "
My slanderers pursue me all day long; many are attacking me in their pride.
When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"
I write mostly just for myself, sometimes to vent, sometimes, to get my thoughts straightened out. I never felt like I had much to offer in the way of instruction or teaching or encouragement. I looked at many others blogs, and they come from established writers, preachers, teachers. I'm not educated or elequent in my words. I probably offend many people with what I say sometimes because I am black and white, can be unrelenting or unwavering, and unapologetic. So I don't expect alot to get or even care what I say and most times that's just fine with me. I never had the confidence that I had wisdom to offer others, again, coming from comparing myself to others, what is WITH that?! So in doing this 31 day challenge I am stepping out of my comfort zone and learning how to say, yes I have something to offer, I have my own thoughts and opinions and I speak from personal experience to back it up. It isn't all just book knowledge, I don't care to just take other people's words. Everything I write or share or say to me is personal, it really is. And if even one of my experiences, no matter how hard or horrible or embarrassing or silly, can help one other person to not feel alone or to know that someone out there "gets it", then it's worth it. All the naysayers and tomato throwers won't really change that.
Today I talk about transparency, tomorrow I will BE transparent, I just got a bit sidetracked that's all lol.
Who am I trying to impress anyways? Certainly not those who think they're better than me!
Did you know that the fear of trusting others is an actual phobia? I just leaned that! ''Pistanthrophobia'' is the common fear of trusting people due to past experiences with relationships gone bad.
If you do some research there is literally a phobia for everything and condition in this planet. You name it, someone is afraid of it. I know I could attach this term to myself and with my past and the things I have experienced and endured, it would be perfectly acceptable and reasonable. But I would much rather trust in the bigger picture that God has than in my limited view of people based on my past.
If you do some research there is literally a phobia for everything and condition in this planet. You name it, someone is afraid of it. I know I could attach this term to myself and with my past and the things I have experienced and endured, it would be perfectly acceptable and reasonable. But I would much rather trust in the bigger picture that God has than in my limited view of people based on my past.
One of my favorite verses is 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God hath not given us the
spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." I found this a great verse to remember at times I was literally paralyzed by fear, times when I felt like I couldn't focus or think straight, times when I felt I was going absolutely insane. Another one I just found is Romans 8:15 " For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father".
One day at a time. It's all we can do because really, it's all we have. Sometimes, just one hour at a time. And that's okay. I find taking it one day or even one hour at a time helps me to not be afraid because I can focus on trusting that God is in control.
If I trust in man, I can see fear and failure every where I turn, But if I trust in God, really trust Him, and am honest, He has never let me down. He is always faithful, even when we aren't.
If I trust in man, I can see fear and failure every where I turn, But if I trust in God, really trust Him, and am honest, He has never let me down. He is always faithful, even when we aren't.
Day 4: The Fear of Success
So this one's a bit late but it's still going to make it in, and day 5 for me will be on schedule.
One thing most people don't consider is the fear of success. It sounds crazy I know, but it's a reality for many. We get cozy in our ruts, and tend to not want to wander too far from our comfort zones, if at all. It can feel safer, staying in our little box.
I could choose to let the past define me, or I can choose to break free from my past and do something different. That cannot happen in my safety net though. Believe me, I've tried. Many times.
It can be scary to step out into what is unknown. We trust what we know and what we see. But Hebrews 11:1-3 says "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Indeed, by faith our ancestors received approval. By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was made from things that are not visible."
Let's just think about that for a minute.
It takes faith, to believe in the unknown or the unseen. It takes trust in God, to know that He is in control. How is it ever possible to learn to grow in that trust, if we remain in our safe little bubbles? If we never step out in faith, how will we ever know the boundless limits of His grace, His mercies, His infinite wisdom and power?
I admit, I was afraid of success. Even though I craved it and enjoyed it, I felt safer playing the victim and living under a shell. But I was miserable. I still faced disappointment, discouragement, depression. And I was still hurt by others. I know that pain and struggles and suffering in this life will never end. Not that I'm trying to be negative or get you down, just that in reality, life is hard, and is doesn't get easy. Relationships are hard. Faith is hard, even for the most religious or spiritual of people. Commitment is tough, letting go, can be impossible. And real success isn't measured by your bank account or the things you own or the number of people you think you can impress by your education or wealth or possessions or worldly intelligence. By those standards, I considered myself a failure. I would never reach those goals. But real success is using what we have, not wanting more.
Some days, that which we have is nothing more than God Himself.
So I looked for a verse for this and what I found was that the common thread in measuring success in scripture was that we walked in obedience to God.
1 Kings 2:4 “And keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn.”
So the fear I had of success was false. Because the success was false. And the failure I feel, therefore, is false.
One thing most people don't consider is the fear of success. It sounds crazy I know, but it's a reality for many. We get cozy in our ruts, and tend to not want to wander too far from our comfort zones, if at all. It can feel safer, staying in our little box.
I could choose to let the past define me, or I can choose to break free from my past and do something different. That cannot happen in my safety net though. Believe me, I've tried. Many times.
It can be scary to step out into what is unknown. We trust what we know and what we see. But Hebrews 11:1-3 says "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Indeed, by faith our ancestors received approval. By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was made from things that are not visible."
Let's just think about that for a minute.
It takes faith, to believe in the unknown or the unseen. It takes trust in God, to know that He is in control. How is it ever possible to learn to grow in that trust, if we remain in our safe little bubbles? If we never step out in faith, how will we ever know the boundless limits of His grace, His mercies, His infinite wisdom and power?
I admit, I was afraid of success. Even though I craved it and enjoyed it, I felt safer playing the victim and living under a shell. But I was miserable. I still faced disappointment, discouragement, depression. And I was still hurt by others. I know that pain and struggles and suffering in this life will never end. Not that I'm trying to be negative or get you down, just that in reality, life is hard, and is doesn't get easy. Relationships are hard. Faith is hard, even for the most religious or spiritual of people. Commitment is tough, letting go, can be impossible. And real success isn't measured by your bank account or the things you own or the number of people you think you can impress by your education or wealth or possessions or worldly intelligence. By those standards, I considered myself a failure. I would never reach those goals. But real success is using what we have, not wanting more.
Some days, that which we have is nothing more than God Himself.
So I looked for a verse for this and what I found was that the common thread in measuring success in scripture was that we walked in obedience to God.
1 Kings 2:4 “And keep the charge of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and keeping his statutes, his commandments, his rules, and his testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn.”
So the fear I had of success was false. Because the success was false. And the failure I feel, therefore, is false.
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